Been gone a long time

I mean both from blogging, and just life itself. I feel like I'm disconnected. Things are looking better now. Husband was gone from sun up to sun down the last 3 weeks because of the store we're opening. I took the kids and we went to Tennessee to visit family for a full week. It was fun, exhausting, stressful, and more fun. The kids were worn out, and so was I when we got back. Finally feeling a little more adjusted. Hubs is working a more consistant (always gone) schedule, but at least I know when he'll be home. His partner and him are talking about hiring someone, but it doesn't mean he'll be home anymore. Just means he'll be able to do more for the store like order inventory, pr, set up website, and ebay store, etc... I'm adjusting to this life though. Thought of the twins starting preschool in August is keeping me sane also.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (duh), and I love that I get to raise them, and be home. However, give me a break... they don't like being stuck in this house (because it's 120 outside in MAY!) any more than I do. Also, I look forward to giving Kinsey the one on one time she likes, as I did with the boys when they were her age.

Still battling weight loss. Still depressed. Still waking up every day on a diet, and going to bed every night binging. One day, one step at a time. We'll see.

I'm just so unmotivated in life right now. It comes and goes in spurts. I hope this passes quickly. I'm not focusing on Scentsy at all, even though I have a home party this week. I'm not knitting anymore, and I miss it. All I do is watch the kids (and I mean watch), and eat. This isn't how I like my life. I can do better than this. My kids need me, and I need to get my head out of my ass... sorry.

In good news we got hubs bike all fixed up ($1100 later...) which means I get my SUV back. Even though I can't leave during the day (because I babysit Monday thru Friday) I feel better just knowing it's there. I'm not on 24/7 lock down. 5:00PM rolls around, and the kids and I can go to McDonald's play place, the mall, or whatever. Every Saturday, while the hubs works, the kids and I can go swimming, the park, etc... Even if we are broker than broke, and I'm not happy with myself, and the kids are bored, a little bit of that will be better when I get my car back. I'm also looking into buying an elliptical machine to use at home, or a cheap gym membership... I need exercise to feel better. I think it will help.

Just a little update in random world...

11 O'Clock and I'm in tears

I'm in tears reading about Maddie. I never knew her, and never will know her. I don't know her parents, and yet I am just beside myself with their story. And how on Earth that beautiful little girl was taken away from her loving parents way before her time? Not a day has gone by since I heard about her passing that I don't stop to think about her, or read a little bit more about her short life. It just brings me to tears.

I will never understand why this kind of pain happens. I will never understand why children are hurt or die.

My daughter was born premature, my pregnancy was high-risk, and I was advised that my daughter may not make it through the pregnancy. Though I find it hard to believe in a God that would take away a wonderful, beautiful child such as Maddie from her loving parents, I thank Him everyday for the gift that is my daughter. She was born small, but with no health problems, and I am thankful. Everyday. I am also thankful for my handsome twin boys of course, as they were a high-risk pregnancy also.

I try to smile more every day

Why is it that everything in life is "I hate that I have to do this now, but I'm going to miss it when it's gone"? For example, every child (well most) hate taking naps when they are young. Every parents wishes they could take one, or at least do so without the quilt of whatever else isn't getting done. I put my 14 month old daughter down for a nap just now (at 4pm) and as I shut off the light, tucker her in, I remember the same feeling I use to get when my mom put me down for a nap (at a much older age of course), and at that very moment I wished I could have enjoyed it like I would now. That dimly lit room, where the last of the sun is trying ever so hard to get through the curtains, and you're sleepy, but not tired. Just turning the light off in her room gave me this feeling.

Then I started thinking about high school, and how that's the same thing. Now granted I don't ever want to go back to the awkward moments of high school. Like where I thought color changing shoes were cool... no. However, knowing what I know now I'd love to be given the opportunity to appreciate it as much as I do now. The value education holds, and how far I could have gone if I had only realized this sooner. How much I'd love to learn about the history of the world, just to feel smarter. Regardless that I stay home with my kids everyday, I want to be smarter. Lucky me I can learn whatever I want, but I don't get much time since I'm wrapped up in trying to take that nap I mentioned above.

What else in life is like this? College, your first car, what you do with your savings money, credit cards, etc... A lot having to do with financial planning, but that's me personally. There's plenty of people that made much better choices than I did. The nap thing is something that everyone took for granted as a kid.

Then I wonder, since I realize this now will I learn from it? Will I appreciate things that I typically wouldn't appreciate. I can try. Mostly likely I won't, because you never notice how great something (even small things) is until it's gone. Songs & stories that tell us not to left things unsaid, or not to forget to do the things you want before life ends get to me, and I try to live life like that everyday. Most days I don't though, I'll be honest. I get caught up in the "future" not the here & now. My 14 month old daughter is 14 months already. I already am forgetting what it was like when she was a newborn. It went by so fast. The twins will be going into preschool this fall, and I'm so excited I can't wait. Next thing I know they'll be in the 5th grade, and I'll be left there with packed lunches wondering what the hell happened.

I'll end with this: live in the moment, enjoy your kids, spouse, parents, and siblings. Try not to stress too much about your future, and smile a little more often. I'm going to go spend some time with my kids instead of yelling at them to leave me alone before I lose my train of thought. Haha - Live Laugh Love.

Remod of the twins room

Since we moved into this house, a year ago, I have wanted to paint the boys' room. Well, for once my procrastinating paid off. I originally wanted it blue. Thinking it was a nice boyish, easy color. I officially have decided on red. Everything in their room is blue. In fact since the day they were born everything they owned has been blue. I'm sick of blue. Also, a nice red wall will look really good up against their blue race car beds. That is the real reason I chose red. I thought it would be fun to do before & after pictures.

Before:








Pretty boring, huh? Granted, they usually have LOADS (and I mean LOADS) of toys, blankets, and shoes everywhere. They have a toy organizer, and hamper, etc... It's not really THAT boring. I mean the color.

Here's the after: (left side of room)


Closet:


Entering their room:


Floor/Baseboards:


Right side:


Center (what you see when you walk in):


Back: (We did the a/c vent, light switch, and outlet covers in silver)

Why my twins don't match

I'm not one of those mothers who makes sure we all match for pictures. Not that I think it's bad, or silly, I'm just not that organized. I don't care if you picked a plain black or white t-shirt I could (almost) guarantee you that not every single person in this household had one. I could also definitely guarantee you that if you found a shirt that we all had that matched, I probably wouldn't care to wear mine in a family portrait. Call me vain, but I'm the one that has to look at the damn thing for the rest of my life. I searched high and low for some matching outfits for all of us for our Christmas card family photo this year, and to no avail. I couldn't find ANYTHING. My boys had a BAZILLION (yes it's a word, I checked) adorable cute winter-like Christmasy sweaters, not one that matched. Since they had a bazillion of them I was not about to go out and buy matching ones. I'm a frugal of sorts. So, what did I do? I made sure not one of us matched, and it came out wonderful. I have twins that are two and a half, a one year old daughter, a eclectic techie husband, and then me so, lots of color, and mismatch-ness defines this family. That's where I came up with my little family portrait saying on my sidebar there (go look), because seriously without the chaos of family you really aren't living.

I long to be the house with all the kids. I want to be the mom who's kid's friends all call "mom". Who love to hang out at my house because it's "cool". Not cool because I sell them beer or pot, but because it's cozy and relaxed. Comfortable. As mentioned in pervious posts I'm a life-like-the-movies type of dreamer. I don't want fame or fortune, but just that overall joyful feeling of realness. I think that completely makes no sense at all, but it does in my head. I want that chaotic life, but that you wouldn't trade. Busy with activities, outings, vacations, friends, dinners, movies, family, and all that fun good stuff families are made out of. I wanted at least three kids, which I got, and that is a big reason why. Family is very important to me no matter how much they get on my nerves. I grew up in a big family, and wanted to have a big family. If it weren't for these knots around my tubes I'd have more, but alas three was the decided number. (Note: I just realizes this entire paragraph has nothing to do with my twins not matching or family pictures, guess that's my niche getting off topic. Go me.)

Because I'm the frugal gal, my kids wear a lot of hand-me-downs. Which inevitably means they do not match. Don't get me wrong, again, I think it's adorable. When able, I certainly do make them match. Even with hand-me-downs they typically coordinate. We humans have a hard time straying from being creatures of habit (we buy one shirt we like it, we buy it in 5 other colors). My kids get their hand-me-downs from some of the richest people in the Silicon Valley, so I'm not going out of my way to complain that they don't match. My step-mom works as a personal house cleaner (yes, maid) for the richies in the Bay Area of California. She brings us stuff that has tags on it, and that cost more than my entire wardrobe. The Little Miss has a box full of Juicy Couture dresses and True Religion jeans anxiously awaiting her to turn 2T. I better start watching more kids. I can't have my daughter out dress me at age 2. Just kidding (completely). I am extremely thankful for the clothes we receive that I could sell to pay our car payments and still get my nails done that my daughter will play in the mud with.

Before the twins were born I couldn't decide how I wanted to be. Do I have them always match or not? Isn't that strange? Am I weird for even caring or entertaining such a question? I don't feel weird. It's not like I ever told anyone, before now, that I thought stuff like that. They matched a majority of their infancy due to everyone's new baby gifts that mostly matched. Now I find myself trying to decide who wears what? That is why I love that they pick their own clothes, and I happily let them. Because no matter what thought I ever entertained about matching or non-matching I always told myself no matter what I did, as soon as they were old enough to have their own personalities I'd let them decide, and I do. Each are both very different in their styles as well. The only type of people I do judge (but I really don't) are the ones who are adamant against having their adorable twinsies match. Just because your mom made you and your "Irish twin" sister dress alike until you were 17 aren't your kids problem. I'm just not black and white like that though. In fact I'm so stuck in the gray area I actually take the time to think these things out. In the end sometimes they match, sometimes they don't.

Because everyday they amaze me

My children amaze me. Not because I think they are highly intelligent or gifted or anything like that (but of course they are), but because they are these little human beings that I grew and nourished. They amaze me because everyday we learn something new together. I learn how much patience I don't have (but am gaining), and they learn a new word or sentence or how to do something for themselves. The twins go down for a nap around 1pm, so today they went down, and I put their sippy cups in the fridge. Cayden wakes up first, and the first thing he wants is his juice. I hear him wondering around the living room, and hallway looking for his cup. Next thing I know he comes back in his room, where I'm laying on his bed, with his and his brother's cup. He went through the child proof gate (right) into the kitchen, in the fridge and got his damn sippy cup. I just laughed at looked at him, then told him how clever he was. It amazed me, this simple thing, because he didn't know they were in there. He also didn't know because I routinely put them in there, because I don't. He knew because it was a logical place to look if it wasn't where he'd left his cup in the living room which is always on his table where I tell him to put it. I'm amazed that his thought process lead him to look in the fridge. To me that is huge. He's two and a half. I swear him and his brother act like their 5 sometimes not 2.

Last night while putting them to bed Connor had gotten into trouble, and Daddy had scolded him a little. Well, while I was giving my g'night kisses he looked at me and said "Daddy no want kisses me" and after giggling a bit, persistently told him that Daddy definitely did want kisses from him. Even though Daddy was a little mad, we always wanted kisses. It amazes me because he knows he was in trouble, and is already at an age to think we don't love him if we are mad at him kind of thing. It breaks my heart in the same sense, but it amazes me also. These little human beings of mine.

A couple of nights ago I was in the kitchen doing the dishes (I love my life, I really do), and Connor sneaks in. Again the oh-so-wonderful child proof gate trick. They love to be in there when I'm in there, and typically I tell them to go play because our kitchen is too small and there's too many things they can get into, hence the wanna-be child proof gate. However, this time I let him stay. The previous night I had asked my Darling Husband to feed the dog. He didn't, but we'll save that rant for another post. Connor noticed, and he promptly pointed to the cupboard (low to the ground) with the dog food in it. I quickly said to him to not worry about it, and I would feed the dog when I was done with the dishes. Thinking to myself, damn they learn fast to tell a women what to do... ha ha. So, a few seconds later I see him pulling the bag of dog food out, and filling up Mia's dog dish fist full by fist full. This little accomplishment amazed me so, I yelled for my husband to come look. I am amazed, because I'm so proud of him. I hate that they are so independent, because I miss them needing me more. I am also grown up enough to realize just how much they still need me, but in a fun way not the I have to bottle feed and change your butt way because you literally can't do it. They need me in the sense of I kiss boo-boo's and make them better, I hug them when they are sick, and read to them before bed every night. It was crazy he knew where we kept the dog food having never actually shown him before, and how he even took notice that the dog's dish was empty.

Along with Cayden getting his own sippy cup today out of the fridge, he also let Mia in the house. He's so cute, a very concerned sort of fellow. Mia was barking outside, probably scaring some old person walking their dog by our yard. I love my dog. Cayden went to the backdoor, and let her in. I hate hate hate that stupid non-child-proof-SOB gate, because I HATE HATE HATE even more so that my kids can get out of the backdoor. This reminds me, I need to remedy that. Luckily they could never leave our yard, but still lots of stuff back there that's not child safe. Chainsaw, wood chopper, axe, tractor, you know your typical backyard amenities. Joking. But I would hate for them to sniff the spray paint we actually do keep back there, or have hammer fights. Tangent. I'll fix it. New gate, new lock, just need to get it done. Luckily our house is 2 feet by 2 feet so they don't get anywhere without me knowing. Except the one time they got out front and went to the neighbors, that I didn't know about. Another post.

So, needless to say my children are amazing intelligent, gifted, talented, and just better than yours.