On Top of the World!

I'm trying to think of someone who would truly understand what my recent weight loss means. Not just someone who was heavy, and lost a lot of weight, no not that, but MY personal struggle. Someone who watched me struggle, and knows how much this meant to me to lose this weight. I've been with my husband for 5 years, have had 3 kids with him, and he has definitely seen every part of me inside and out. He's seen me at my thinnest (since gaining the 80+ pounds I gained, not my thinnest in life), and he has seen me at my heaviest, when no one else has. He should understand more than anyone. He is just preoccupied with work it's not satisfying when I tell him. I don't know why other than that, and he's a man he is thin as hell. He is very proud of me, don't get me wrong. I love the comments he makes, and how it makes me feel trust me. Maybe I just want to shout it and everyone be in awe, "I DID IT!". I'm not to my goal yet, but I'm so close. Closer than I've ever been before... 36lbs close. I lowered my goal also, so technically I'm even closer to what my original goal was. (I lowered my goal weight to give me a healthy "normal weight" BMI.)

I am no longer 80lbs over weight. I'm no longer 200 or above. 220lbs is now a number I will never see on the scale. I am only 36lbs over weight. I am no longer THAT FAT. I feel great, and think I look a million times better, but I still have a ways to go. This belly is going to be a killer to get rid of. I'm just tickled, and so excited to get to my goal weight.

Though let me tell you... I'm soooo mother effing sick of dieting!!!! UGH! I don't even know how I do it anymore, I feel like a drone. 36lbs Nikki 36lbs... so close. I can do this.

3 days short of a year later...

I fell off the face of blog world, and I have no idea how it happened. Lots of changes, so where were we? Last June was like another world for me. Our business, that had just opened, is now over a year old, and doing extremely well. So well in fact that we are in the works of opening store number 2. Just sent our broker the financial statements last week. Working out the kinks, and then back to disappearing husband it goes! He's been home a lot more lately, but that's all about to go back to normal soon. We moved to a newer and improved house in February. My younger sister moved in with us in January. This is the main reason I got to move into the new and improved house really, and it was welled planned on my part trust me. Would you believe the husband and I actually missed the old shit hole house for awhile?! People are just never satisfied, are they? Creatures of habit I tell ya. Then Little Miss promptly turned two on February 1st, which was also moving day. She conked out long before the frosting was put on the cake. I have a picture of a sleeping 2 year old on the couch, and an untouched cake on the counter. That was the extent of any birthday celebration for her unfortunately. Next year we'll go all out, and actually let her have some cake though I promise!

I'm contemplating that this next subject deserves a post of it's own, but since we're here already... The biggest, and best news (for me personally) is I have now, as of today, lost 55lbs! Not only is that a feat in itself, but this is the biggest victory of all, I am under 200lbs! After 8 years, almost a decade of diets, tears, sweat, maybe a little blood I am FINALLY under 200, and never going back!

And the Little Miss is up, screaming. (Did I mention she is two?) Maybe this is why it's been a year...

Cabbage Soup Diet Day 1

Here's one I haven't tried, the infamous Cabbage Diet. It's not what most people think. You don't throw some cabbage in a big pot of chicken broth and eat it for a week. You don't eat raw cabbage for a snack, or dessert. In fact the soup consists of plenty of yummy veggies like mushrooms, carrots, celery, green peppers, green onion, of course cabbage, as well as Lipton Soup Mix, and any spices you like.

Day 1: Cabbage soup and all the fruit you want except bananas. Drink unsweetened tea, black coffee, cranberry juice, or water.

I had herbal tea with an apple for breakfast. A mix of cantaloupe, mango, and kiwi for a snack, and my cabbage soup for lunch. More fruit for snack. My stomach hurt from all the fruit, but otherwise I wasn't starving... yet. Two glasses of water (I need to pee) and another cup of tea.

Ate more cabbage soup for dinner, and the rest of my fruit mix. Made the mistake of trucking the entire family to Home Depot for one can of paint (for $27!!! Holy sh*t!), and man I had to pee THREE times while we were in there. Told my husband I felt like I was pregnant (not really) he just glared at me. Maybe that is what sparked the conversation later in the evening while getting ready for bed, about how having children has ruined changed our life so much. I even got him to talk a little bit about our nonexistent sex life. Apparently we're on a push-pull cycle. He wants it, I don't, I want it, he doesn't. Of course I told him he's lying, when don't I want it?

I did fantastic on the diet, until about 9pm when my oatmeal raisin cookies called my name. Good thing is now there are none to call my name for the rest of the diet. (Way to turn a negative into a positive Nikki! *cheers*) So basically Day 1: FAILED. I'm not starting over I'm just continuing but getting back on track.

Weight Loss Saga Part II

Every day I wake up beginning a diet. By lunch I've lost track, gave up, and/or binged. Usually deciding to hell with it with a bowl of ice cream, yes in the middle of the afternoon. Thinking about losing weight CONSUMES me. There is not a moment in the day I'm not thinking about my weight. I think about how heavy I am, have gotten, how to lose it, today is the day, new diet, counting calories, starving myself, eating whatever the hell I want, and my favorite: I'M SO FUCKING FAT.

I use different things to motivate me, whether it's just my pants don't fit, or a special event sometime in the future. Last year it was a friend's wedding, this year it's my cousin's wedding. Then sometimes I try to tell myself it's for my kids, so I can live longer, it's just for myself, it's for my husband, it's because I want to be a hot ass skinny bitch and saw HA I CAN DO IT. Truth is, so far I can't. I'm lazy, unmotivated, and I'm fat. By doctor's I'm clinically obese (not enough to qualify for surgeical help), and my BMI is way above any kind of remotely healthy level. I have no health problems however, I'm just fat.

I tried medication, I've spoken to a doctor, I've tried Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, drugs/pills, not eating, not thinking about it, exercise, Slim Fast, MediFast, liquid detox, Hollywood diet, detox pills, never touching fast food again, no soda, lemon tea, etc! If it's not surgery, I've tried it.

I'm not a small person to begin with. I don't know that I would ever be (or want to be) smaller than a 9/10. I'd be ECSTATIC with even a 16 at this point. Size 12 would be preferable. I've set small goals, large goals, short term, long term. Nothing's work, and I can't stick with anything. I eat when I'm sick, stressed, depressed, happy, sad, angry, bored, hungry, and not hungry. I love food. I just don't want to be fat anymore, and I also don't want it to consume me every day of my life.

Edit: Oh and I totally have to add that I have literally BEGGED God to help me do this. You know, they have those "I went to Church, and prayed for help through this & lost 183lbs!" diets. I'm not trying to make a joke out of it, I literally prayed for God to help me get through the next day without shoving fatty foods in my mouth liked I'd never eat again. I think He's looking down laughing at me though, because I just get fatter.

My wieght loss saga

My battle with weight loss... could be a blog in itself. Unfortunately, it would be repetitive, and boring. So, I don't subject you to that kind of suffering, I only talk about it when I need to.

I have dealt with weight issues my entire life. However, only actually beginning 7 years ago did I have a problem. Throughout my childhood I was just bigger than most girls. Being 5'7" didn't help, but I also have an athletic build, not a small or petite frame. Even when thin I have many curves. Seven years ago I managed to eat enough Taco Bell to gain 95lbs in one short year. I went straight from my thinnest to my heaviest. Now, I could blame the Nachos Bell Grande, or I could also blame my addiction to ephedra, and my oh-so-healthy diet of nothing but 1 large Jamba Juice a day my entire senior year of high school for the reason I ballooned to a plump 232lbs during my 2nd year out of high school. Regardless of why, it still happened, and I am still here, 7 years later, paying for it. In the past 7 years I have flung hopelessly into the arms of every crash diet, as well as hopelessly failed. I'll lose the initial 10-15lbs, sometimes even 20lbs, but then gain it all back and then some.

I plateau typically at 220lbs, and it took 4 years to get below that. Months before meeting my husband 4 years ago I had finally broke 220lbs. I was 206lbs. Obviously, I'm glad, but what in the hell was I thinking moving in with a man while trying to lose weight and on a record!?! Someone, pleeeeeeease tell me! (We all know relationships make fat people fatter.) Getting pregnant (with twins!?) was the end of me. While being a heffer I somehow managed to maintain a nice looking stomach. Let's just say that is no longer a quality I boast about, neither my boobs.

After having the twins, luckily, I quickly returned to my typical 220lbs. Fluctuating between that and the 230's was normal for me. Then when they were 7 months old I went back to work, and started Medifast. I lost 16lbs before finding out I was pregnant again shortly before the twins first birthday. I was heartbroken all my recent efforst were once again a bust. Even though I swore to keep my weight gain to a minimum, my precious bundle of joy had other plans. My youngest daughter made sure I had undeniably strong cravings for all things chocolate and sugar, while residing in my ever growing womb. The only thing healthy I craved were oranges, and I still believe the excessive amount I ate made them unhealthy. Luckily, however I kept the weight gain to a non excessive level of about 40lbs. Had she taken the 3 weeks extra she was suppose to, I'm sure it would have easily been 90lbs by 40 weeks gestation.

After Kinsey, however, I was not able to lose it. I was at home with 3 under 2, my husband working 2 jobs, struggling to breastfeed, and fighting postpartum. Weight and weight loss were far from my mind (for once). Kinsey finally being a few months old, me getting into my routine with having 3 children to care for, as well as a husband, I finally decided to join Weight Watchers... for 6 weeks.

In 6 weeks at WW I was able to lose 13lbs. Then why only 6 weeks you ask, because that's how long our tax return money lasted (for our things-we-could-live-without budget), as well as WW's special promotion. Not only was I no longer able to afford going to the weekly meetings, my weight loss started to diminish, as well as my motivation. Slowly I gained the 13lbs back, as well as 10 more. Then the holidays came, my marriage was hitting a rough spot, and I was beginning to find myself often depressed over these things. Let's not forget, all the while, I am trying to raise my kids to be happy, confident, and healthy human beings.

... to be continued.