Showing posts with label i don't know what else to blog about. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i don't know what else to blog about. Show all posts
Monday, June 7, 2010
Friday, May 29, 2009
Why I can't wait to be thirty
I've said for the longest time that I can't wait to turn thirty. Everyone always looks at me funny, especially my husband. I say that, mainly because I feel like a kid still. I'm a mom of three, but a kid. The funniest part, is I am, and always have been, more mature for my age. I've dealt with a lot in my life, and I pretty much raised myself. I don't choose conflict when I could, and I always take the higher road. (I like to think I do anyway.) I like to have fun, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I act goofy, and sometimes I make bad choices. Overall I liek to think of myself as mature.
When I go to mommy-groups I'm always the youngest. I never connect with anyone, because who needs an older "daughter" when their looking for friends. It doesn't help that my budget bracket is extremely low, I'm not a home owner, and let's face it I'm under experienced. I can't wait to be thirty, and my kids are 6 & 7 so I cross over into the more experienced mom catagory. Even if I act like a kid at thirty I'll be an adult. Yeah you're legal at 18 or 21, but your not truly an "adult" until 30. Because through most of your 20's your in college, then you're settling down, and then just having babies. At 30 your graduated (typically lol), married, and your kids are 5+.
I don't know why, because I don't have any prior experience with kids, but always felt I was this beyond fabulous mother. I was confident is really all it was. Had no idea what I was doing, but I was confident that I did. And I did well. My babies made it. And 3 and 1 they are doing pretty good. However, I and a problem thinking I was a better parent than other people because I had so much confidence in what I was doing. I made my kids eat healthy food, I limited sugary drinks and fatty, empty calorie snacks, I taught them manners, and made them behave. They are well behaved, so whatever I did I did it right, but in all reality I had no idea what I was doing! I have no idea as to how to handle a 4 year old or 5 year old, a teenager, etc... I can't wait to be thirty to have that experience under my belt (not the teenager, that will be 40, but that's going overboard. LOL) So, that I won't be looked down upon as a kid. I can't wait to be thirty. Four more years to go. Oh and I also can't wait to be thirty because then my husband and I have made it 7 years, and that's huge.
When I go to mommy-groups I'm always the youngest. I never connect with anyone, because who needs an older "daughter" when their looking for friends. It doesn't help that my budget bracket is extremely low, I'm not a home owner, and let's face it I'm under experienced. I can't wait to be thirty, and my kids are 6 & 7 so I cross over into the more experienced mom catagory. Even if I act like a kid at thirty I'll be an adult. Yeah you're legal at 18 or 21, but your not truly an "adult" until 30. Because through most of your 20's your in college, then you're settling down, and then just having babies. At 30 your graduated (typically lol), married, and your kids are 5+.
I don't know why, because I don't have any prior experience with kids, but always felt I was this beyond fabulous mother. I was confident is really all it was. Had no idea what I was doing, but I was confident that I did. And I did well. My babies made it. And 3 and 1 they are doing pretty good. However, I and a problem thinking I was a better parent than other people because I had so much confidence in what I was doing. I made my kids eat healthy food, I limited sugary drinks and fatty, empty calorie snacks, I taught them manners, and made them behave. They are well behaved, so whatever I did I did it right, but in all reality I had no idea what I was doing! I have no idea as to how to handle a 4 year old or 5 year old, a teenager, etc... I can't wait to be thirty to have that experience under my belt (not the teenager, that will be 40, but that's going overboard. LOL) So, that I won't be looked down upon as a kid. I can't wait to be thirty. Four more years to go. Oh and I also can't wait to be thirty because then my husband and I have made it 7 years, and that's huge.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Been gone a long time
I mean both from blogging, and just life itself. I feel like I'm disconnected. Things are looking better now. Husband was gone from sun up to sun down the last 3 weeks because of the store we're opening. I took the kids and we went to Tennessee to visit family for a full week. It was fun, exhausting, stressful, and more fun. The kids were worn out, and so was I when we got back. Finally feeling a little more adjusted. Hubs is working a more consistant (always gone) schedule, but at least I know when he'll be home. His partner and him are talking about hiring someone, but it doesn't mean he'll be home anymore. Just means he'll be able to do more for the store like order inventory, pr, set up website, and ebay store, etc... I'm adjusting to this life though. Thought of the twins starting preschool in August is keeping me sane also.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (duh), and I love that I get to raise them, and be home. However, give me a break... they don't like being stuck in this house (because it's 120 outside in MAY!) any more than I do. Also, I look forward to giving Kinsey the one on one time she likes, as I did with the boys when they were her age.
Still battling weight loss. Still depressed. Still waking up every day on a diet, and going to bed every night binging. One day, one step at a time. We'll see.
I'm just so unmotivated in life right now. It comes and goes in spurts. I hope this passes quickly. I'm not focusing on Scentsy at all, even though I have a home party this week. I'm not knitting anymore, and I miss it. All I do is watch the kids (and I mean watch), and eat. This isn't how I like my life. I can do better than this. My kids need me, and I need to get my head out of my ass... sorry.
In good news we got hubs bike all fixed up ($1100 later...) which means I get my SUV back. Even though I can't leave during the day (because I babysit Monday thru Friday) I feel better just knowing it's there. I'm not on 24/7 lock down. 5:00PM rolls around, and the kids and I can go to McDonald's play place, the mall, or whatever. Every Saturday, while the hubs works, the kids and I can go swimming, the park, etc... Even if we are broker than broke, and I'm not happy with myself, and the kids are bored, a little bit of that will be better when I get my car back. I'm also looking into buying an elliptical machine to use at home, or a cheap gym membership... I need exercise to feel better. I think it will help.
Just a little update in random world...
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (duh), and I love that I get to raise them, and be home. However, give me a break... they don't like being stuck in this house (because it's 120 outside in MAY!) any more than I do. Also, I look forward to giving Kinsey the one on one time she likes, as I did with the boys when they were her age.
Still battling weight loss. Still depressed. Still waking up every day on a diet, and going to bed every night binging. One day, one step at a time. We'll see.
I'm just so unmotivated in life right now. It comes and goes in spurts. I hope this passes quickly. I'm not focusing on Scentsy at all, even though I have a home party this week. I'm not knitting anymore, and I miss it. All I do is watch the kids (and I mean watch), and eat. This isn't how I like my life. I can do better than this. My kids need me, and I need to get my head out of my ass... sorry.
In good news we got hubs bike all fixed up ($1100 later...) which means I get my SUV back. Even though I can't leave during the day (because I babysit Monday thru Friday) I feel better just knowing it's there. I'm not on 24/7 lock down. 5:00PM rolls around, and the kids and I can go to McDonald's play place, the mall, or whatever. Every Saturday, while the hubs works, the kids and I can go swimming, the park, etc... Even if we are broker than broke, and I'm not happy with myself, and the kids are bored, a little bit of that will be better when I get my car back. I'm also looking into buying an elliptical machine to use at home, or a cheap gym membership... I need exercise to feel better. I think it will help.
Just a little update in random world...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Because friends should grow on trees in my backyard
First of all I ALWAYS spell dilemma wrong, thank God for spell check. I don't know why, I just always mix up the i and the e. Back on track...
This isn't really about best friends or any issues with best friends or any friends at all. Really I'm looking to express my feelings on friends. They are a lot of work, but like all relationships totally worth it in the end. Granted it's a healthy relationship. My kids are a lot of work, well no... bad analogy. I'd boot my kids if I could too probably... JUST JOKING. I swear I wouldn't.
So, I often talk about how I wish life were like it is in the movies. It's the only part of me that is crazy and unrealistic, but in reality it's far from who I am typically. I allow this one fantasy, because I'm pretty level headed the rest of the time. So, in addition to wanting to be the cool mom where all her kid's friends hang out, I also want to have the house where all my girlfriends gather. I long to have such good girlfriends that they don't knock when they come in. They just do. They don't call, or have to schedule "meet ups" eight weeks in advance (I seriously have a girlfriend I'm suppose to hang out with on the 19th... and this was planned weeks ago... who the hell knows what they will be doing 2 months in advance?!), nope, just stop by on a regular basis. Watch tv together, cook together, have date nights together, family outings and vacations together, you know movie stuff. Or am I completely out of the loop, and everyone does have this, but me? My aunt in TN has friends like this. Every time I call her she's got someone over. She has family over for dinner, and friends.
See then there is a part of me that is so super glad I have only a few friends, and none that live within a 45 mile radius from me. I'm lazy (read title). Having friends is work. You have to hang out with them to reassure them that you like them. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, so if they don't contact me chances are we will lose contact. It's not always this way, just usually during the first stage of friendship. If it surpasses that new stage then it's all good. I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away we won't talk for weeks sometimes even months, and then all of a sudden one of us calls the other and it's like we never missed a beat. Her & I are one in the same... she should live next door to me. I don't know how to meet my neighbors, and most of them are 80 and up. But I'm just like every other girl. I need girlfriends. I love catching up, hanging out, shopping, just someone to talk to that is female. My sister lives far away, I'm not close to my mom, and my cousin who was going to move here is now not. I live in what I call a deserted island of Central Phoenix. Everyone else either lives west side or east side. Then I wonder if all the new friends I meet don't keep in contact because they don't like me. I often wonder if I'm hard to get along with. I personally don't think so, but don't we all say that? I know for sure I don't mean to be if I am. I try to please everyone, and I'm genuinely nice. I do things when I can, help when I can, offer a hand, etc...
When you meet someone for the first time, let's say at a mommy group, do you call them later? Is there a 3 day rule? LOL jk. I met some nice girls at a mommy group, but now my schedule doesn't allow for me to go to any meet ups. Most women already have their friends. Oh and fitting in with their friends once you are friends is a whole new one too. All this stuff is complicated. At the end of the day I'm thankful for my family, tell myself I don't need anymore friends, and be on my way. Deep down I'm lying. I want friends. I want friends that live close, will come to my house, and do things with my family. I love to host get togethers, but for some reason I always fail miserably. Is there a meet new people host a get together book out there? If so, I need it. But let's start with finding friends in the first place.
My husband and I were out at the community garage sale last year, where we met Holly & her husband (can't remember his name). Hubs talked to them more than I did, as he was buying speaker boxes from them. Well, he ended up getting their number, and ended on the note we should all hang out. I think they text him once saying "let's get together this weekend". Well, it was right before Thanksgiving, right before Hubs lost his job, and our trip to bear country. Needless to say, we never hung out with them, and we haven't heard from them since.
Last month I rented a booth for Scentsy at a consignment sale, and met some new people there. Got some of their contacts, even emailed one (I think LOL!), and nothing.
I go to mommy groups constantly, never click with anyone, and like I said everyone has their friends already. I don't know what the hell the point of a mommy group is anyway. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. One of my friends (also a mommy of twins) I met through a mommy group years ago, and we have gotten very close (probably too close sometimes). For the life of me, other than she was the ONLY person to show up to a playdate I hosted, I cannot remember how we continued to be friends. Did she call/contact me? Did I contact her? Did I go to one of her playdates? I vaguely remember she invited me to her cookie party, and I brought my husband along because we set him up with her husband on a mandate... that's right. I think that is how it started. Now this girl's got lots of friends, so I was just lucky enough to be taken in. Honestly, if it weren't for her I wouldn't have any friends within a 100 mile radius (she's the one that's 45mi away).
I always say I can't wait until I turn 30. You may laugh, but so far being under 30 has sucked, because everyone I meet with kids close in age to mine are 30+. And they don't like me. When I'm 30 my kids will be only enough to have been in school for awhile, and sports or other activities, and if I don't make friends then well I'll just call it quits. I think what gets to me, is I'm very outgoing, not shy at all, and love to meet new people. I sure as hell married the wrong guy that's for sure. My husband has less friends than I do, and is 10x more lazy. I just need to start putting myself out there, and most of all keep in contact.
This isn't really about best friends or any issues with best friends or any friends at all. Really I'm looking to express my feelings on friends. They are a lot of work, but like all relationships totally worth it in the end. Granted it's a healthy relationship. My kids are a lot of work, well no... bad analogy. I'd boot my kids if I could too probably... JUST JOKING. I swear I wouldn't.
So, I often talk about how I wish life were like it is in the movies. It's the only part of me that is crazy and unrealistic, but in reality it's far from who I am typically. I allow this one fantasy, because I'm pretty level headed the rest of the time. So, in addition to wanting to be the cool mom where all her kid's friends hang out, I also want to have the house where all my girlfriends gather. I long to have such good girlfriends that they don't knock when they come in. They just do. They don't call, or have to schedule "meet ups" eight weeks in advance (I seriously have a girlfriend I'm suppose to hang out with on the 19th... and this was planned weeks ago... who the hell knows what they will be doing 2 months in advance?!), nope, just stop by on a regular basis. Watch tv together, cook together, have date nights together, family outings and vacations together, you know movie stuff. Or am I completely out of the loop, and everyone does have this, but me? My aunt in TN has friends like this. Every time I call her she's got someone over. She has family over for dinner, and friends.
See then there is a part of me that is so super glad I have only a few friends, and none that live within a 45 mile radius from me. I'm lazy (read title). Having friends is work. You have to hang out with them to reassure them that you like them. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, so if they don't contact me chances are we will lose contact. It's not always this way, just usually during the first stage of friendship. If it surpasses that new stage then it's all good. I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away we won't talk for weeks sometimes even months, and then all of a sudden one of us calls the other and it's like we never missed a beat. Her & I are one in the same... she should live next door to me. I don't know how to meet my neighbors, and most of them are 80 and up. But I'm just like every other girl. I need girlfriends. I love catching up, hanging out, shopping, just someone to talk to that is female. My sister lives far away, I'm not close to my mom, and my cousin who was going to move here is now not. I live in what I call a deserted island of Central Phoenix. Everyone else either lives west side or east side. Then I wonder if all the new friends I meet don't keep in contact because they don't like me. I often wonder if I'm hard to get along with. I personally don't think so, but don't we all say that? I know for sure I don't mean to be if I am. I try to please everyone, and I'm genuinely nice. I do things when I can, help when I can, offer a hand, etc...
When you meet someone for the first time, let's say at a mommy group, do you call them later? Is there a 3 day rule? LOL jk. I met some nice girls at a mommy group, but now my schedule doesn't allow for me to go to any meet ups. Most women already have their friends. Oh and fitting in with their friends once you are friends is a whole new one too. All this stuff is complicated. At the end of the day I'm thankful for my family, tell myself I don't need anymore friends, and be on my way. Deep down I'm lying. I want friends. I want friends that live close, will come to my house, and do things with my family. I love to host get togethers, but for some reason I always fail miserably. Is there a meet new people host a get together book out there? If so, I need it. But let's start with finding friends in the first place.
My husband and I were out at the community garage sale last year, where we met Holly & her husband (can't remember his name). Hubs talked to them more than I did, as he was buying speaker boxes from them. Well, he ended up getting their number, and ended on the note we should all hang out. I think they text him once saying "let's get together this weekend". Well, it was right before Thanksgiving, right before Hubs lost his job, and our trip to bear country. Needless to say, we never hung out with them, and we haven't heard from them since.
Last month I rented a booth for Scentsy at a consignment sale, and met some new people there. Got some of their contacts, even emailed one (I think LOL!), and nothing.
I go to mommy groups constantly, never click with anyone, and like I said everyone has their friends already. I don't know what the hell the point of a mommy group is anyway. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. One of my friends (also a mommy of twins) I met through a mommy group years ago, and we have gotten very close (probably too close sometimes). For the life of me, other than she was the ONLY person to show up to a playdate I hosted, I cannot remember how we continued to be friends. Did she call/contact me? Did I contact her? Did I go to one of her playdates? I vaguely remember she invited me to her cookie party, and I brought my husband along because we set him up with her husband on a mandate... that's right. I think that is how it started. Now this girl's got lots of friends, so I was just lucky enough to be taken in. Honestly, if it weren't for her I wouldn't have any friends within a 100 mile radius (she's the one that's 45mi away).
I always say I can't wait until I turn 30. You may laugh, but so far being under 30 has sucked, because everyone I meet with kids close in age to mine are 30+. And they don't like me. When I'm 30 my kids will be only enough to have been in school for awhile, and sports or other activities, and if I don't make friends then well I'll just call it quits. I think what gets to me, is I'm very outgoing, not shy at all, and love to meet new people. I sure as hell married the wrong guy that's for sure. My husband has less friends than I do, and is 10x more lazy. I just need to start putting myself out there, and most of all keep in contact.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Life in pictures
1. A photo of you in your room:
2. A photo of you w/someone you don't actually like:
I don't really not like this girl, she use to be my roommate in college. She's just kind of spoiled and selfish, but she never did anything to me.
3. A photo of you very drunk:
I might be a little drunk there.
And here.
4. A photo of you on your birthday or favorite holiday:
I don't take pictures on my birthday. Only one I could find, turning 24.
5. The youngest photo of you in digital form:
Not technically digital form, but scanned in. I was probably 5 or so? With my cousin Jullie.
And this is me in 2001, Senior Prom
6. Your favorite outfit:
I weigh 98328632478634lbs I don't have a favorite outfit. =P
But I LOVED this top when I had it. Once I had the twinsies it no longer felt the need to cover my ever extending belly bulge.
7. A photo of you making a goofy face at the camera:
I don't like to make funny faces. I hate looking stupid. =P
8. A photo you miiiiiiiiiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive:
I didn't edit this, I naturally look like that. Cool, yes? (I didn't edit it to look more attractive, I did it to make some artsy icon with it.)
9. A photo you might regret:
Umm hello!? Who is that ugly MAN in my shower holding my baby? WTF? LOL worst picture of me EVER. In the other pictures I had my head turned the other way which is how I wanted it, however I turn my head toward Kin for a second and hubs took a shot. F**ker. =P It will be deleted soon.
10. A photo of you truly being yourself:
That's me, big mouth.
11. The most recent photo of you:
Me, Dad, Kinsey at her birthday party last Saturday.
12. A photo of you being absolutely ridiculous:
What?! Me? I'm never ridiculous.
This was slightly ridiculous.
13. A photo of you showing off a new hair cut/color:
See above? J/K it was a wig, duh.
Latest:
Previous:
& Before That:
14. A photo of a time in your life that is over that you wish wasn't:
Just moments after we decided to move in together. I just wish sometimes we had more time to just be us. I think a lot of our issues stem from rushing into having kids so soon, and having too much responsibility and not enough fun together. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I do think it takes a big role in our life.
15. A photo of a time in your life that's over & you couldn't be more thankful that it is:
I adore the guy I'm laying with (was just a friend) but I was severely screwed up in this time in my life. I'm very glad it's over, though I do miss some of the people I lost that I once knew during this time.
(Oh and ignore the text, that was my girlfriends website back in the day.)
16. A photo of you when you were anything but happy:
I was soooo frustrated here.
17. A photo you had no idea that was being taken:
Had no idea. I'm in the red, and drunk, playing flip cup.
18. A photo of you taken when you were a different person:
I was young, single (well except for the occasional booty call with my on again off again BF), kid-less, going to college, drinking a lot, and living with my BFF. DIFFERENT person completely.
19. A photo of you w/someone you love: Piece of cake...
These are the people I love most in my life. My family. We look kind of "church-y" here... lol.
This was fun going through all my old photos. Embarrassing also. My husband got the privilege of seeing some photos he'd never seen of me before. I may have liked to keep it that way, but now at least I feel as if all my secrets are out. I have nothing to hide.
2. A photo of you w/someone you don't actually like:
I don't really not like this girl, she use to be my roommate in college. She's just kind of spoiled and selfish, but she never did anything to me.
3. A photo of you very drunk:
I might be a little drunk there.
And here.
4. A photo of you on your birthday or favorite holiday:
I don't take pictures on my birthday. Only one I could find, turning 24.
5. The youngest photo of you in digital form:
Not technically digital form, but scanned in. I was probably 5 or so? With my cousin Jullie.
And this is me in 2001, Senior Prom
6. Your favorite outfit:
I weigh 98328632478634lbs I don't have a favorite outfit. =P
But I LOVED this top when I had it. Once I had the twinsies it no longer felt the need to cover my ever extending belly bulge.
7. A photo of you making a goofy face at the camera:
I don't like to make funny faces. I hate looking stupid. =P
8. A photo you miiiiiiiiiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive:
I didn't edit this, I naturally look like that. Cool, yes? (I didn't edit it to look more attractive, I did it to make some artsy icon with it.)
9. A photo you might regret:
Umm hello!? Who is that ugly MAN in my shower holding my baby? WTF? LOL worst picture of me EVER. In the other pictures I had my head turned the other way which is how I wanted it, however I turn my head toward Kin for a second and hubs took a shot. F**ker. =P It will be deleted soon.
10. A photo of you truly being yourself:
That's me, big mouth.
11. The most recent photo of you:
Me, Dad, Kinsey at her birthday party last Saturday.
12. A photo of you being absolutely ridiculous:
What?! Me? I'm never ridiculous.
This was slightly ridiculous.
13. A photo of you showing off a new hair cut/color:
See above? J/K it was a wig, duh.
Latest:
Previous:
& Before That:
14. A photo of a time in your life that is over that you wish wasn't:
Just moments after we decided to move in together. I just wish sometimes we had more time to just be us. I think a lot of our issues stem from rushing into having kids so soon, and having too much responsibility and not enough fun together. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I do think it takes a big role in our life.
15. A photo of a time in your life that's over & you couldn't be more thankful that it is:
I adore the guy I'm laying with (was just a friend) but I was severely screwed up in this time in my life. I'm very glad it's over, though I do miss some of the people I lost that I once knew during this time.
(Oh and ignore the text, that was my girlfriends website back in the day.)
16. A photo of you when you were anything but happy:
I was soooo frustrated here.
17. A photo you had no idea that was being taken:
Had no idea. I'm in the red, and drunk, playing flip cup.
18. A photo of you taken when you were a different person:
I was young, single (well except for the occasional booty call with my on again off again BF), kid-less, going to college, drinking a lot, and living with my BFF. DIFFERENT person completely.
19. A photo of you w/someone you love: Piece of cake...
These are the people I love most in my life. My family. We look kind of "church-y" here... lol.
This was fun going through all my old photos. Embarrassing also. My husband got the privilege of seeing some photos he'd never seen of me before. I may have liked to keep it that way, but now at least I feel as if all my secrets are out. I have nothing to hide.
Friday, February 13, 2009
What am I looking for?
I have spent a good majority of my life wondering "what will happen next?" as well as "how did I get here?", and not in a bad way, just in a pondering way. How life works baffles me. How one choice can decide what you're doing in the upcoming years, or how one casual decision unfolds tremendous opportunity, or sometimes tremendous disappointment.
I have continuously wondered what's this all for. I yearn to be religious, or to believe in a higher power, God, or just anything (even myself). I want to have faith that there is a reason why we are all here, and why we encounter so much pain and hurt. I try to believe it's to experience the happiness, and beauty, but sometimes I just don't get it. I want to believe I will make a difference, that I will not just die and be forgotten, but sometimes it's hard for me to find my way. I'm unsure of my "purpose", or what I'm suppose to accomplish.
Then I look at my kids, and I know. I know why I'm here, and I know what I'm doing. I see so much light, and life in their eyes it inspires me. They drive me to be a better person, to explore new things, and to believe. So, I hate when I lose sight of myself and just feel lost. I also don't want to waste my entire life wondering what the hell I should be doing instead of doing it. I'm just not sure what I'm looking for. I've written it before, and I've thought it all my life, but I have always called myself a mediocre type of person. I'm a little good at a lot of things, but not great at one. I do not fit into one stereotypical type of "people", yet I have a hard time fitting into any group at all. I find myself without friends, without motivation, without dedication. It's a kick to my ego every now and then too. I know I'm a good person, I love people, I try to be a great friend, and yet I always find myself alone. I think that is why a huge part of me always wanted to start a family so bad. A group of people that couldn't leave me. I've never said that, never even thought of it, but saying it now I think it may have been true. Is that such an awful thing? Knowing my luck my husband will leave me, and my kids will grow up and never speak to me... haha. I laugh, because I have to. I don't think that will actually happen (see "I'm a good person" above), but I just had to put it out there that it's not like I don't think that can't happen. So here I am, I have created my own group of people that love me. What's better than that? I have amazing friends, but there's always some sort of distance, whether it be physical or psychological, it's there. I've been hurt several times by the one person I'd wish not to have been hurt by, and I often blame her for the reason I keep my distance from anyone else. My mother. Doesn't all of our adult problems stem from childhood problems with our parents? Another reason I don't feel out of the ordinary, because even my problems and past are typical.
I once had a boyfriend who told himself, in his blog, that I was not unique (after breaking up with me) . Trying to convince himself that he would easily find someone better or that could at least replace me. He later told me (years after the breakup) I am unique. I just wish I knew how...
So, I'm not sure exactly why I wonder what life is all about, or what. I'm really not sure why I think half the things I think to be completely honest. I have a wondering mind. I can also play the poor-pitty-me card, and say no one understands me too, but I'll save that for another post. I guess I just like knowing there are other people out there, as normal functioning people like myself, that think similar things, because I tend to meet a lot of folks that are content in believing life is in God's hands, and I'm just not sure that satisfies me. Who is this God person anyway and why does He get to decide what happens? As I mentioned above, I want to believe, but I feel like I can't until I understand it all. If I understand, I can believe wholeheartedly, and that is what I am looking for. Apparently I need to learn the definition of faith, no?
I have continuously wondered what's this all for. I yearn to be religious, or to believe in a higher power, God, or just anything (even myself). I want to have faith that there is a reason why we are all here, and why we encounter so much pain and hurt. I try to believe it's to experience the happiness, and beauty, but sometimes I just don't get it. I want to believe I will make a difference, that I will not just die and be forgotten, but sometimes it's hard for me to find my way. I'm unsure of my "purpose", or what I'm suppose to accomplish.
Then I look at my kids, and I know. I know why I'm here, and I know what I'm doing. I see so much light, and life in their eyes it inspires me. They drive me to be a better person, to explore new things, and to believe. So, I hate when I lose sight of myself and just feel lost. I also don't want to waste my entire life wondering what the hell I should be doing instead of doing it. I'm just not sure what I'm looking for. I've written it before, and I've thought it all my life, but I have always called myself a mediocre type of person. I'm a little good at a lot of things, but not great at one. I do not fit into one stereotypical type of "people", yet I have a hard time fitting into any group at all. I find myself without friends, without motivation, without dedication. It's a kick to my ego every now and then too. I know I'm a good person, I love people, I try to be a great friend, and yet I always find myself alone. I think that is why a huge part of me always wanted to start a family so bad. A group of people that couldn't leave me. I've never said that, never even thought of it, but saying it now I think it may have been true. Is that such an awful thing? Knowing my luck my husband will leave me, and my kids will grow up and never speak to me... haha. I laugh, because I have to. I don't think that will actually happen (see "I'm a good person" above), but I just had to put it out there that it's not like I don't think that can't happen. So here I am, I have created my own group of people that love me. What's better than that? I have amazing friends, but there's always some sort of distance, whether it be physical or psychological, it's there. I've been hurt several times by the one person I'd wish not to have been hurt by, and I often blame her for the reason I keep my distance from anyone else. My mother. Doesn't all of our adult problems stem from childhood problems with our parents? Another reason I don't feel out of the ordinary, because even my problems and past are typical.
I once had a boyfriend who told himself, in his blog, that I was not unique (after breaking up with me) . Trying to convince himself that he would easily find someone better or that could at least replace me. He later told me (years after the breakup) I am unique. I just wish I knew how...
So, I'm not sure exactly why I wonder what life is all about, or what. I'm really not sure why I think half the things I think to be completely honest. I have a wondering mind. I can also play the poor-pitty-me card, and say no one understands me too, but I'll save that for another post. I guess I just like knowing there are other people out there, as normal functioning people like myself, that think similar things, because I tend to meet a lot of folks that are content in believing life is in God's hands, and I'm just not sure that satisfies me. Who is this God person anyway and why does He get to decide what happens? As I mentioned above, I want to believe, but I feel like I can't until I understand it all. If I understand, I can believe wholeheartedly, and that is what I am looking for. Apparently I need to learn the definition of faith, no?
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