I'm trying to think of someone who would truly understand what my recent weight loss means. Not just someone who was heavy, and lost a lot of weight, no not that, but MY personal struggle. Someone who watched me struggle, and knows how much this meant to me to lose this weight. I've been with my husband for 5 years, have had 3 kids with him, and he has definitely seen every part of me inside and out. He's seen me at my thinnest (since gaining the 80+ pounds I gained, not my thinnest in life), and he has seen me at my heaviest, when no one else has. He should understand more than anyone. He is just preoccupied with work it's not satisfying when I tell him. I don't know why other than that, and he's a man he is thin as hell. He is very proud of me, don't get me wrong. I love the comments he makes, and how it makes me feel trust me. Maybe I just want to shout it and everyone be in awe, "I DID IT!". I'm not to my goal yet, but I'm so close. Closer than I've ever been before... 36lbs close. I lowered my goal also, so technically I'm even closer to what my original goal was. (I lowered my goal weight to give me a healthy "normal weight" BMI.)
I am no longer 80lbs over weight. I'm no longer 200 or above. 220lbs is now a number I will never see on the scale. I am only 36lbs over weight. I am no longer THAT FAT. I feel great, and think I look a million times better, but I still have a ways to go. This belly is going to be a killer to get rid of. I'm just tickled, and so excited to get to my goal weight.
Though let me tell you... I'm soooo mother effing sick of dieting!!!! UGH! I don't even know how I do it anymore, I feel like a drone. 36lbs Nikki 36lbs... so close. I can do this.
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Friday, May 29, 2009
Why I can't wait to be thirty
I've said for the longest time that I can't wait to turn thirty. Everyone always looks at me funny, especially my husband. I say that, mainly because I feel like a kid still. I'm a mom of three, but a kid. The funniest part, is I am, and always have been, more mature for my age. I've dealt with a lot in my life, and I pretty much raised myself. I don't choose conflict when I could, and I always take the higher road. (I like to think I do anyway.) I like to have fun, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I act goofy, and sometimes I make bad choices. Overall I liek to think of myself as mature.
When I go to mommy-groups I'm always the youngest. I never connect with anyone, because who needs an older "daughter" when their looking for friends. It doesn't help that my budget bracket is extremely low, I'm not a home owner, and let's face it I'm under experienced. I can't wait to be thirty, and my kids are 6 & 7 so I cross over into the more experienced mom catagory. Even if I act like a kid at thirty I'll be an adult. Yeah you're legal at 18 or 21, but your not truly an "adult" until 30. Because through most of your 20's your in college, then you're settling down, and then just having babies. At 30 your graduated (typically lol), married, and your kids are 5+.
I don't know why, because I don't have any prior experience with kids, but always felt I was this beyond fabulous mother. I was confident is really all it was. Had no idea what I was doing, but I was confident that I did. And I did well. My babies made it. And 3 and 1 they are doing pretty good. However, I and a problem thinking I was a better parent than other people because I had so much confidence in what I was doing. I made my kids eat healthy food, I limited sugary drinks and fatty, empty calorie snacks, I taught them manners, and made them behave. They are well behaved, so whatever I did I did it right, but in all reality I had no idea what I was doing! I have no idea as to how to handle a 4 year old or 5 year old, a teenager, etc... I can't wait to be thirty to have that experience under my belt (not the teenager, that will be 40, but that's going overboard. LOL) So, that I won't be looked down upon as a kid. I can't wait to be thirty. Four more years to go. Oh and I also can't wait to be thirty because then my husband and I have made it 7 years, and that's huge.
When I go to mommy-groups I'm always the youngest. I never connect with anyone, because who needs an older "daughter" when their looking for friends. It doesn't help that my budget bracket is extremely low, I'm not a home owner, and let's face it I'm under experienced. I can't wait to be thirty, and my kids are 6 & 7 so I cross over into the more experienced mom catagory. Even if I act like a kid at thirty I'll be an adult. Yeah you're legal at 18 or 21, but your not truly an "adult" until 30. Because through most of your 20's your in college, then you're settling down, and then just having babies. At 30 your graduated (typically lol), married, and your kids are 5+.
I don't know why, because I don't have any prior experience with kids, but always felt I was this beyond fabulous mother. I was confident is really all it was. Had no idea what I was doing, but I was confident that I did. And I did well. My babies made it. And 3 and 1 they are doing pretty good. However, I and a problem thinking I was a better parent than other people because I had so much confidence in what I was doing. I made my kids eat healthy food, I limited sugary drinks and fatty, empty calorie snacks, I taught them manners, and made them behave. They are well behaved, so whatever I did I did it right, but in all reality I had no idea what I was doing! I have no idea as to how to handle a 4 year old or 5 year old, a teenager, etc... I can't wait to be thirty to have that experience under my belt (not the teenager, that will be 40, but that's going overboard. LOL) So, that I won't be looked down upon as a kid. I can't wait to be thirty. Four more years to go. Oh and I also can't wait to be thirty because then my husband and I have made it 7 years, and that's huge.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Been gone a long time
I mean both from blogging, and just life itself. I feel like I'm disconnected. Things are looking better now. Husband was gone from sun up to sun down the last 3 weeks because of the store we're opening. I took the kids and we went to Tennessee to visit family for a full week. It was fun, exhausting, stressful, and more fun. The kids were worn out, and so was I when we got back. Finally feeling a little more adjusted. Hubs is working a more consistant (always gone) schedule, but at least I know when he'll be home. His partner and him are talking about hiring someone, but it doesn't mean he'll be home anymore. Just means he'll be able to do more for the store like order inventory, pr, set up website, and ebay store, etc... I'm adjusting to this life though. Thought of the twins starting preschool in August is keeping me sane also.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (duh), and I love that I get to raise them, and be home. However, give me a break... they don't like being stuck in this house (because it's 120 outside in MAY!) any more than I do. Also, I look forward to giving Kinsey the one on one time she likes, as I did with the boys when they were her age.
Still battling weight loss. Still depressed. Still waking up every day on a diet, and going to bed every night binging. One day, one step at a time. We'll see.
I'm just so unmotivated in life right now. It comes and goes in spurts. I hope this passes quickly. I'm not focusing on Scentsy at all, even though I have a home party this week. I'm not knitting anymore, and I miss it. All I do is watch the kids (and I mean watch), and eat. This isn't how I like my life. I can do better than this. My kids need me, and I need to get my head out of my ass... sorry.
In good news we got hubs bike all fixed up ($1100 later...) which means I get my SUV back. Even though I can't leave during the day (because I babysit Monday thru Friday) I feel better just knowing it's there. I'm not on 24/7 lock down. 5:00PM rolls around, and the kids and I can go to McDonald's play place, the mall, or whatever. Every Saturday, while the hubs works, the kids and I can go swimming, the park, etc... Even if we are broker than broke, and I'm not happy with myself, and the kids are bored, a little bit of that will be better when I get my car back. I'm also looking into buying an elliptical machine to use at home, or a cheap gym membership... I need exercise to feel better. I think it will help.
Just a little update in random world...
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (duh), and I love that I get to raise them, and be home. However, give me a break... they don't like being stuck in this house (because it's 120 outside in MAY!) any more than I do. Also, I look forward to giving Kinsey the one on one time she likes, as I did with the boys when they were her age.
Still battling weight loss. Still depressed. Still waking up every day on a diet, and going to bed every night binging. One day, one step at a time. We'll see.
I'm just so unmotivated in life right now. It comes and goes in spurts. I hope this passes quickly. I'm not focusing on Scentsy at all, even though I have a home party this week. I'm not knitting anymore, and I miss it. All I do is watch the kids (and I mean watch), and eat. This isn't how I like my life. I can do better than this. My kids need me, and I need to get my head out of my ass... sorry.
In good news we got hubs bike all fixed up ($1100 later...) which means I get my SUV back. Even though I can't leave during the day (because I babysit Monday thru Friday) I feel better just knowing it's there. I'm not on 24/7 lock down. 5:00PM rolls around, and the kids and I can go to McDonald's play place, the mall, or whatever. Every Saturday, while the hubs works, the kids and I can go swimming, the park, etc... Even if we are broker than broke, and I'm not happy with myself, and the kids are bored, a little bit of that will be better when I get my car back. I'm also looking into buying an elliptical machine to use at home, or a cheap gym membership... I need exercise to feel better. I think it will help.
Just a little update in random world...
Friday, April 17, 2009
I have a husband, I swear.
My husband as of last Monday became a business owner. He opened up a retail store on the west side of town. He has been MIA since. I think he still exists, but I have yet to see proof. He's gone ALL THE TIME. I miss him, and I miss my brain. I've lost my mind, and it must be with the hubby.
He is always out doing things for the store, and soon (once the doors open) he will be AT the store. I use to complain that he was never home when he worked a 9-5, but worked over-time. He was always home for dinner, and bed-time routine, and every weekend. His over-time was 30 minutes here, maybe an hour every once in awhile. I'm looking toward a future of no dinner with the hubby for the next year unless I eat at 9pm. Putting the kids to bed by myself, every single night. Having to explain to them that daddy is at work, and that is why he can't tuck you in, read you a story, or give ni-night kisses. It breaks my heart. It also drives me insane, because he was my helping hand at dinner time, brushing teeth, reading bedtime stories, and tuck ins. He kept them out of my hair while dinner was being finished up, or I was doing dishes. He's my partner, and I desperately miss him, and it's not even bad yet. He will be gone every night soon. The only day we get is Sunday. And I expect a lot of outside errands will need to be done this day.
Instead of focusing on the fact that I will soon be a single mommy. I try to focus on how wonderful my kids are, and how fortunate I am to have a husband willing to bust his ass so that I can raise our children. How much this will make our life easier in the long haul. How amazing my husband is for reaching for his goals, and achieving them. But I'm not perfect. For moments that I need him, and he isn't here I completely forget how awesome he is, or how awesome the kids are. I curse him in my head, and want to throw things. I often whisper to myself that if I wanted to raise kids by myself I would have, but that I chose to be married with kids not alone. Then I take a deep breath and try to remember the good. But for a few moments everyday I curse my MIA husband.
I will never know how he sold me on the idea of owning our own business equaling him being home more. Having kids rots your brain.
He is always out doing things for the store, and soon (once the doors open) he will be AT the store. I use to complain that he was never home when he worked a 9-5, but worked over-time. He was always home for dinner, and bed-time routine, and every weekend. His over-time was 30 minutes here, maybe an hour every once in awhile. I'm looking toward a future of no dinner with the hubby for the next year unless I eat at 9pm. Putting the kids to bed by myself, every single night. Having to explain to them that daddy is at work, and that is why he can't tuck you in, read you a story, or give ni-night kisses. It breaks my heart. It also drives me insane, because he was my helping hand at dinner time, brushing teeth, reading bedtime stories, and tuck ins. He kept them out of my hair while dinner was being finished up, or I was doing dishes. He's my partner, and I desperately miss him, and it's not even bad yet. He will be gone every night soon. The only day we get is Sunday. And I expect a lot of outside errands will need to be done this day.
Instead of focusing on the fact that I will soon be a single mommy. I try to focus on how wonderful my kids are, and how fortunate I am to have a husband willing to bust his ass so that I can raise our children. How much this will make our life easier in the long haul. How amazing my husband is for reaching for his goals, and achieving them. But I'm not perfect. For moments that I need him, and he isn't here I completely forget how awesome he is, or how awesome the kids are. I curse him in my head, and want to throw things. I often whisper to myself that if I wanted to raise kids by myself I would have, but that I chose to be married with kids not alone. Then I take a deep breath and try to remember the good. But for a few moments everyday I curse my MIA husband.
I will never know how he sold me on the idea of owning our own business equaling him being home more. Having kids rots your brain.
Friday, April 3, 2009
I try to smile more every day
Why is it that everything in life is "I hate that I have to do this now, but I'm going to miss it when it's gone"? For example, every child (well most) hate taking naps when they are young. Every parents wishes they could take one, or at least do so without the quilt of whatever else isn't getting done. I put my 14 month old daughter down for a nap just now (at 4pm) and as I shut off the light, tucker her in, I remember the same feeling I use to get when my mom put me down for a nap (at a much older age of course), and at that very moment I wished I could have enjoyed it like I would now. That dimly lit room, where the last of the sun is trying ever so hard to get through the curtains, and you're sleepy, but not tired. Just turning the light off in her room gave me this feeling.
Then I started thinking about high school, and how that's the same thing. Now granted I don't ever want to go back to the awkward moments of high school. Like where I thought color changing shoes were cool... no. However, knowing what I know now I'd love to be given the opportunity to appreciate it as much as I do now. The value education holds, and how far I could have gone if I had only realized this sooner. How much I'd love to learn about the history of the world, just to feel smarter. Regardless that I stay home with my kids everyday, I want to be smarter. Lucky me I can learn whatever I want, but I don't get much time since I'm wrapped up in trying to take that nap I mentioned above.
What else in life is like this? College, your first car, what you do with your savings money, credit cards, etc... A lot having to do with financial planning, but that's me personally. There's plenty of people that made much better choices than I did. The nap thing is something that everyone took for granted as a kid.
Then I wonder, since I realize this now will I learn from it? Will I appreciate things that I typically wouldn't appreciate. I can try. Mostly likely I won't, because you never notice how great something (even small things) is until it's gone. Songs & stories that tell us not to left things unsaid, or not to forget to do the things you want before life ends get to me, and I try to live life like that everyday. Most days I don't though, I'll be honest. I get caught up in the "future" not the here & now. My 14 month old daughter is 14 months already. I already am forgetting what it was like when she was a newborn. It went by so fast. The twins will be going into preschool this fall, and I'm so excited I can't wait. Next thing I know they'll be in the 5th grade, and I'll be left there with packed lunches wondering what the hell happened.
I'll end with this: live in the moment, enjoy your kids, spouse, parents, and siblings. Try not to stress too much about your future, and smile a little more often. I'm going to go spend some time with my kids instead of yelling at them to leave me alone before I lose my train of thought. Haha - Live Laugh Love.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Because friends should grow on trees in my backyard
First of all I ALWAYS spell dilemma wrong, thank God for spell check. I don't know why, I just always mix up the i and the e. Back on track...
This isn't really about best friends or any issues with best friends or any friends at all. Really I'm looking to express my feelings on friends. They are a lot of work, but like all relationships totally worth it in the end. Granted it's a healthy relationship. My kids are a lot of work, well no... bad analogy. I'd boot my kids if I could too probably... JUST JOKING. I swear I wouldn't.
So, I often talk about how I wish life were like it is in the movies. It's the only part of me that is crazy and unrealistic, but in reality it's far from who I am typically. I allow this one fantasy, because I'm pretty level headed the rest of the time. So, in addition to wanting to be the cool mom where all her kid's friends hang out, I also want to have the house where all my girlfriends gather. I long to have such good girlfriends that they don't knock when they come in. They just do. They don't call, or have to schedule "meet ups" eight weeks in advance (I seriously have a girlfriend I'm suppose to hang out with on the 19th... and this was planned weeks ago... who the hell knows what they will be doing 2 months in advance?!), nope, just stop by on a regular basis. Watch tv together, cook together, have date nights together, family outings and vacations together, you know movie stuff. Or am I completely out of the loop, and everyone does have this, but me? My aunt in TN has friends like this. Every time I call her she's got someone over. She has family over for dinner, and friends.
See then there is a part of me that is so super glad I have only a few friends, and none that live within a 45 mile radius from me. I'm lazy (read title). Having friends is work. You have to hang out with them to reassure them that you like them. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, so if they don't contact me chances are we will lose contact. It's not always this way, just usually during the first stage of friendship. If it surpasses that new stage then it's all good. I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away we won't talk for weeks sometimes even months, and then all of a sudden one of us calls the other and it's like we never missed a beat. Her & I are one in the same... she should live next door to me. I don't know how to meet my neighbors, and most of them are 80 and up. But I'm just like every other girl. I need girlfriends. I love catching up, hanging out, shopping, just someone to talk to that is female. My sister lives far away, I'm not close to my mom, and my cousin who was going to move here is now not. I live in what I call a deserted island of Central Phoenix. Everyone else either lives west side or east side. Then I wonder if all the new friends I meet don't keep in contact because they don't like me. I often wonder if I'm hard to get along with. I personally don't think so, but don't we all say that? I know for sure I don't mean to be if I am. I try to please everyone, and I'm genuinely nice. I do things when I can, help when I can, offer a hand, etc...
When you meet someone for the first time, let's say at a mommy group, do you call them later? Is there a 3 day rule? LOL jk. I met some nice girls at a mommy group, but now my schedule doesn't allow for me to go to any meet ups. Most women already have their friends. Oh and fitting in with their friends once you are friends is a whole new one too. All this stuff is complicated. At the end of the day I'm thankful for my family, tell myself I don't need anymore friends, and be on my way. Deep down I'm lying. I want friends. I want friends that live close, will come to my house, and do things with my family. I love to host get togethers, but for some reason I always fail miserably. Is there a meet new people host a get together book out there? If so, I need it. But let's start with finding friends in the first place.
My husband and I were out at the community garage sale last year, where we met Holly & her husband (can't remember his name). Hubs talked to them more than I did, as he was buying speaker boxes from them. Well, he ended up getting their number, and ended on the note we should all hang out. I think they text him once saying "let's get together this weekend". Well, it was right before Thanksgiving, right before Hubs lost his job, and our trip to bear country. Needless to say, we never hung out with them, and we haven't heard from them since.
Last month I rented a booth for Scentsy at a consignment sale, and met some new people there. Got some of their contacts, even emailed one (I think LOL!), and nothing.
I go to mommy groups constantly, never click with anyone, and like I said everyone has their friends already. I don't know what the hell the point of a mommy group is anyway. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. One of my friends (also a mommy of twins) I met through a mommy group years ago, and we have gotten very close (probably too close sometimes). For the life of me, other than she was the ONLY person to show up to a playdate I hosted, I cannot remember how we continued to be friends. Did she call/contact me? Did I contact her? Did I go to one of her playdates? I vaguely remember she invited me to her cookie party, and I brought my husband along because we set him up with her husband on a mandate... that's right. I think that is how it started. Now this girl's got lots of friends, so I was just lucky enough to be taken in. Honestly, if it weren't for her I wouldn't have any friends within a 100 mile radius (she's the one that's 45mi away).
I always say I can't wait until I turn 30. You may laugh, but so far being under 30 has sucked, because everyone I meet with kids close in age to mine are 30+. And they don't like me. When I'm 30 my kids will be only enough to have been in school for awhile, and sports or other activities, and if I don't make friends then well I'll just call it quits. I think what gets to me, is I'm very outgoing, not shy at all, and love to meet new people. I sure as hell married the wrong guy that's for sure. My husband has less friends than I do, and is 10x more lazy. I just need to start putting myself out there, and most of all keep in contact.
This isn't really about best friends or any issues with best friends or any friends at all. Really I'm looking to express my feelings on friends. They are a lot of work, but like all relationships totally worth it in the end. Granted it's a healthy relationship. My kids are a lot of work, well no... bad analogy. I'd boot my kids if I could too probably... JUST JOKING. I swear I wouldn't.
So, I often talk about how I wish life were like it is in the movies. It's the only part of me that is crazy and unrealistic, but in reality it's far from who I am typically. I allow this one fantasy, because I'm pretty level headed the rest of the time. So, in addition to wanting to be the cool mom where all her kid's friends hang out, I also want to have the house where all my girlfriends gather. I long to have such good girlfriends that they don't knock when they come in. They just do. They don't call, or have to schedule "meet ups" eight weeks in advance (I seriously have a girlfriend I'm suppose to hang out with on the 19th... and this was planned weeks ago... who the hell knows what they will be doing 2 months in advance?!), nope, just stop by on a regular basis. Watch tv together, cook together, have date nights together, family outings and vacations together, you know movie stuff. Or am I completely out of the loop, and everyone does have this, but me? My aunt in TN has friends like this. Every time I call her she's got someone over. She has family over for dinner, and friends.
See then there is a part of me that is so super glad I have only a few friends, and none that live within a 45 mile radius from me. I'm lazy (read title). Having friends is work. You have to hang out with them to reassure them that you like them. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, so if they don't contact me chances are we will lose contact. It's not always this way, just usually during the first stage of friendship. If it surpasses that new stage then it's all good. I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away we won't talk for weeks sometimes even months, and then all of a sudden one of us calls the other and it's like we never missed a beat. Her & I are one in the same... she should live next door to me. I don't know how to meet my neighbors, and most of them are 80 and up. But I'm just like every other girl. I need girlfriends. I love catching up, hanging out, shopping, just someone to talk to that is female. My sister lives far away, I'm not close to my mom, and my cousin who was going to move here is now not. I live in what I call a deserted island of Central Phoenix. Everyone else either lives west side or east side. Then I wonder if all the new friends I meet don't keep in contact because they don't like me. I often wonder if I'm hard to get along with. I personally don't think so, but don't we all say that? I know for sure I don't mean to be if I am. I try to please everyone, and I'm genuinely nice. I do things when I can, help when I can, offer a hand, etc...
When you meet someone for the first time, let's say at a mommy group, do you call them later? Is there a 3 day rule? LOL jk. I met some nice girls at a mommy group, but now my schedule doesn't allow for me to go to any meet ups. Most women already have their friends. Oh and fitting in with their friends once you are friends is a whole new one too. All this stuff is complicated. At the end of the day I'm thankful for my family, tell myself I don't need anymore friends, and be on my way. Deep down I'm lying. I want friends. I want friends that live close, will come to my house, and do things with my family. I love to host get togethers, but for some reason I always fail miserably. Is there a meet new people host a get together book out there? If so, I need it. But let's start with finding friends in the first place.
My husband and I were out at the community garage sale last year, where we met Holly & her husband (can't remember his name). Hubs talked to them more than I did, as he was buying speaker boxes from them. Well, he ended up getting their number, and ended on the note we should all hang out. I think they text him once saying "let's get together this weekend". Well, it was right before Thanksgiving, right before Hubs lost his job, and our trip to bear country. Needless to say, we never hung out with them, and we haven't heard from them since.
Last month I rented a booth for Scentsy at a consignment sale, and met some new people there. Got some of their contacts, even emailed one (I think LOL!), and nothing.
I go to mommy groups constantly, never click with anyone, and like I said everyone has their friends already. I don't know what the hell the point of a mommy group is anyway. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. One of my friends (also a mommy of twins) I met through a mommy group years ago, and we have gotten very close (probably too close sometimes). For the life of me, other than she was the ONLY person to show up to a playdate I hosted, I cannot remember how we continued to be friends. Did she call/contact me? Did I contact her? Did I go to one of her playdates? I vaguely remember she invited me to her cookie party, and I brought my husband along because we set him up with her husband on a mandate... that's right. I think that is how it started. Now this girl's got lots of friends, so I was just lucky enough to be taken in. Honestly, if it weren't for her I wouldn't have any friends within a 100 mile radius (she's the one that's 45mi away).
I always say I can't wait until I turn 30. You may laugh, but so far being under 30 has sucked, because everyone I meet with kids close in age to mine are 30+. And they don't like me. When I'm 30 my kids will be only enough to have been in school for awhile, and sports or other activities, and if I don't make friends then well I'll just call it quits. I think what gets to me, is I'm very outgoing, not shy at all, and love to meet new people. I sure as hell married the wrong guy that's for sure. My husband has less friends than I do, and is 10x more lazy. I just need to start putting myself out there, and most of all keep in contact.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Cabbage Soup Diet Day 1
Here's one I haven't tried, the infamous Cabbage Diet. It's not what most people think. You don't throw some cabbage in a big pot of chicken broth and eat it for a week. You don't eat raw cabbage for a snack, or dessert. In fact the soup consists of plenty of yummy veggies like mushrooms, carrots, celery, green peppers, green onion, of course cabbage, as well as Lipton Soup Mix, and any spices you like.
Day 1: Cabbage soup and all the fruit you want except bananas. Drink unsweetened tea, black coffee, cranberry juice, or water.
I had herbal tea with an apple for breakfast. A mix of cantaloupe, mango, and kiwi for a snack, and my cabbage soup for lunch. More fruit for snack. My stomach hurt from all the fruit, but otherwise I wasn't starving... yet. Two glasses of water (I need to pee) and another cup of tea.
Ate more cabbage soup for dinner, and the rest of my fruit mix. Made the mistake of trucking the entire family to Home Depot for one can of paint (for $27!!! Holy sh*t!), and man I had to pee THREE times while we were in there. Told my husband I felt like I was pregnant (not really) he just glared at me. Maybe that is what sparked the conversation later in the evening while getting ready for bed, about how having children hasruined changed our life so much. I even got him to talk a little bit about our nonexistent sex life. Apparently we're on a push-pull cycle. He wants it, I don't, I want it, he doesn't. Of course I told him he's lying, when don't I want it?
I did fantastic on the diet, until about 9pm when my oatmeal raisin cookies called my name. Good thing is now there are none to call my name for the rest of the diet. (Way to turn a negative into a positive Nikki! *cheers*) So basically Day 1: FAILED. I'm not starting over I'm just continuing but getting back on track.
Day 1: Cabbage soup and all the fruit you want except bananas. Drink unsweetened tea, black coffee, cranberry juice, or water.
I had herbal tea with an apple for breakfast. A mix of cantaloupe, mango, and kiwi for a snack, and my cabbage soup for lunch. More fruit for snack. My stomach hurt from all the fruit, but otherwise I wasn't starving... yet. Two glasses of water (I need to pee) and another cup of tea.
Ate more cabbage soup for dinner, and the rest of my fruit mix. Made the mistake of trucking the entire family to Home Depot for one can of paint (for $27!!! Holy sh*t!), and man I had to pee THREE times while we were in there. Told my husband I felt like I was pregnant (not really) he just glared at me. Maybe that is what sparked the conversation later in the evening while getting ready for bed, about how having children has
I did fantastic on the diet, until about 9pm when my oatmeal raisin cookies called my name. Good thing is now there are none to call my name for the rest of the diet. (Way to turn a negative into a positive Nikki! *cheers*) So basically Day 1: FAILED. I'm not starting over I'm just continuing but getting back on track.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Weight Loss Saga Part II
Every day I wake up beginning a diet. By lunch I've lost track, gave up, and/or binged. Usually deciding to hell with it with a bowl of ice cream, yes in the middle of the afternoon. Thinking about losing weight CONSUMES me. There is not a moment in the day I'm not thinking about my weight. I think about how heavy I am, have gotten, how to lose it, today is the day, new diet, counting calories, starving myself, eating whatever the hell I want, and my favorite: I'M SO FUCKING FAT.
I use different things to motivate me, whether it's just my pants don't fit, or a special event sometime in the future. Last year it was a friend's wedding, this year it's my cousin's wedding. Then sometimes I try to tell myself it's for my kids, so I can live longer, it's just for myself, it's for my husband, it's because I want to be a hot ass skinny bitch and saw HA I CAN DO IT. Truth is, so far I can't. I'm lazy, unmotivated, and I'm fat. By doctor's I'm clinically obese (not enough to qualify for surgeical help), and my BMI is way above any kind of remotely healthy level. I have no health problems however, I'm just fat.
I tried medication, I've spoken to a doctor, I've tried Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, drugs/pills, not eating, not thinking about it, exercise, Slim Fast, MediFast, liquid detox, Hollywood diet, detox pills, never touching fast food again, no soda, lemon tea, etc! If it's not surgery, I've tried it.
I'm not a small person to begin with. I don't know that I would ever be (or want to be) smaller than a 9/10. I'd be ECSTATIC with even a 16 at this point. Size 12 would be preferable. I've set small goals, large goals, short term, long term. Nothing's work, and I can't stick with anything. I eat when I'm sick, stressed, depressed, happy, sad, angry, bored, hungry, and not hungry. I love food. I just don't want to be fat anymore, and I also don't want it to consume me every day of my life.
Edit: Oh and I totally have to add that I have literally BEGGED God to help me do this. You know, they have those "I went to Church, and prayed for help through this & lost 183lbs!" diets. I'm not trying to make a joke out of it, I literally prayed for God to help me get through the next day without shoving fatty foods in my mouth liked I'd never eat again. I think He's looking down laughing at me though, because I just get fatter.
I use different things to motivate me, whether it's just my pants don't fit, or a special event sometime in the future. Last year it was a friend's wedding, this year it's my cousin's wedding. Then sometimes I try to tell myself it's for my kids, so I can live longer, it's just for myself, it's for my husband, it's because I want to be a hot ass skinny bitch and saw HA I CAN DO IT. Truth is, so far I can't. I'm lazy, unmotivated, and I'm fat. By doctor's I'm clinically obese (not enough to qualify for surgeical help), and my BMI is way above any kind of remotely healthy level. I have no health problems however, I'm just fat.
I tried medication, I've spoken to a doctor, I've tried Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, drugs/pills, not eating, not thinking about it, exercise, Slim Fast, MediFast, liquid detox, Hollywood diet, detox pills, never touching fast food again, no soda, lemon tea, etc! If it's not surgery, I've tried it.
I'm not a small person to begin with. I don't know that I would ever be (or want to be) smaller than a 9/10. I'd be ECSTATIC with even a 16 at this point. Size 12 would be preferable. I've set small goals, large goals, short term, long term. Nothing's work, and I can't stick with anything. I eat when I'm sick, stressed, depressed, happy, sad, angry, bored, hungry, and not hungry. I love food. I just don't want to be fat anymore, and I also don't want it to consume me every day of my life.
Edit: Oh and I totally have to add that I have literally BEGGED God to help me do this. You know, they have those "I went to Church, and prayed for help through this & lost 183lbs!" diets. I'm not trying to make a joke out of it, I literally prayed for God to help me get through the next day without shoving fatty foods in my mouth liked I'd never eat again. I think He's looking down laughing at me though, because I just get fatter.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Life in pictures
1. A photo of you in your room:
2. A photo of you w/someone you don't actually like:
I don't really not like this girl, she use to be my roommate in college. She's just kind of spoiled and selfish, but she never did anything to me.
3. A photo of you very drunk:
I might be a little drunk there.
And here.
4. A photo of you on your birthday or favorite holiday:
I don't take pictures on my birthday. Only one I could find, turning 24.
5. The youngest photo of you in digital form:
Not technically digital form, but scanned in. I was probably 5 or so? With my cousin Jullie.
And this is me in 2001, Senior Prom
6. Your favorite outfit:
I weigh 98328632478634lbs I don't have a favorite outfit. =P
But I LOVED this top when I had it. Once I had the twinsies it no longer felt the need to cover my ever extending belly bulge.
7. A photo of you making a goofy face at the camera:
I don't like to make funny faces. I hate looking stupid. =P
8. A photo you miiiiiiiiiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive:
I didn't edit this, I naturally look like that. Cool, yes? (I didn't edit it to look more attractive, I did it to make some artsy icon with it.)
9. A photo you might regret:
Umm hello!? Who is that ugly MAN in my shower holding my baby? WTF? LOL worst picture of me EVER. In the other pictures I had my head turned the other way which is how I wanted it, however I turn my head toward Kin for a second and hubs took a shot. F**ker. =P It will be deleted soon.
10. A photo of you truly being yourself:
That's me, big mouth.
11. The most recent photo of you:
Me, Dad, Kinsey at her birthday party last Saturday.
12. A photo of you being absolutely ridiculous:
What?! Me? I'm never ridiculous.
This was slightly ridiculous.
13. A photo of you showing off a new hair cut/color:
See above? J/K it was a wig, duh.
Latest:
Previous:
& Before That:
14. A photo of a time in your life that is over that you wish wasn't:
Just moments after we decided to move in together. I just wish sometimes we had more time to just be us. I think a lot of our issues stem from rushing into having kids so soon, and having too much responsibility and not enough fun together. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I do think it takes a big role in our life.
15. A photo of a time in your life that's over & you couldn't be more thankful that it is:
I adore the guy I'm laying with (was just a friend) but I was severely screwed up in this time in my life. I'm very glad it's over, though I do miss some of the people I lost that I once knew during this time.
(Oh and ignore the text, that was my girlfriends website back in the day.)
16. A photo of you when you were anything but happy:
I was soooo frustrated here.
17. A photo you had no idea that was being taken:
Had no idea. I'm in the red, and drunk, playing flip cup.
18. A photo of you taken when you were a different person:
I was young, single (well except for the occasional booty call with my on again off again BF), kid-less, going to college, drinking a lot, and living with my BFF. DIFFERENT person completely.
19. A photo of you w/someone you love: Piece of cake...
These are the people I love most in my life. My family. We look kind of "church-y" here... lol.
This was fun going through all my old photos. Embarrassing also. My husband got the privilege of seeing some photos he'd never seen of me before. I may have liked to keep it that way, but now at least I feel as if all my secrets are out. I have nothing to hide.
2. A photo of you w/someone you don't actually like:
I don't really not like this girl, she use to be my roommate in college. She's just kind of spoiled and selfish, but she never did anything to me.
3. A photo of you very drunk:
I might be a little drunk there.
And here.
4. A photo of you on your birthday or favorite holiday:
I don't take pictures on my birthday. Only one I could find, turning 24.
5. The youngest photo of you in digital form:
Not technically digital form, but scanned in. I was probably 5 or so? With my cousin Jullie.
And this is me in 2001, Senior Prom
6. Your favorite outfit:
I weigh 98328632478634lbs I don't have a favorite outfit. =P
But I LOVED this top when I had it. Once I had the twinsies it no longer felt the need to cover my ever extending belly bulge.
7. A photo of you making a goofy face at the camera:
I don't like to make funny faces. I hate looking stupid. =P
8. A photo you miiiiiiiiiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive:
I didn't edit this, I naturally look like that. Cool, yes? (I didn't edit it to look more attractive, I did it to make some artsy icon with it.)
9. A photo you might regret:
Umm hello!? Who is that ugly MAN in my shower holding my baby? WTF? LOL worst picture of me EVER. In the other pictures I had my head turned the other way which is how I wanted it, however I turn my head toward Kin for a second and hubs took a shot. F**ker. =P It will be deleted soon.
10. A photo of you truly being yourself:
That's me, big mouth.
11. The most recent photo of you:
Me, Dad, Kinsey at her birthday party last Saturday.
12. A photo of you being absolutely ridiculous:
What?! Me? I'm never ridiculous.
This was slightly ridiculous.
13. A photo of you showing off a new hair cut/color:
See above? J/K it was a wig, duh.
Latest:
Previous:
& Before That:
14. A photo of a time in your life that is over that you wish wasn't:
Just moments after we decided to move in together. I just wish sometimes we had more time to just be us. I think a lot of our issues stem from rushing into having kids so soon, and having too much responsibility and not enough fun together. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I do think it takes a big role in our life.
15. A photo of a time in your life that's over & you couldn't be more thankful that it is:
I adore the guy I'm laying with (was just a friend) but I was severely screwed up in this time in my life. I'm very glad it's over, though I do miss some of the people I lost that I once knew during this time.
(Oh and ignore the text, that was my girlfriends website back in the day.)
16. A photo of you when you were anything but happy:
I was soooo frustrated here.
17. A photo you had no idea that was being taken:
Had no idea. I'm in the red, and drunk, playing flip cup.
18. A photo of you taken when you were a different person:
I was young, single (well except for the occasional booty call with my on again off again BF), kid-less, going to college, drinking a lot, and living with my BFF. DIFFERENT person completely.
19. A photo of you w/someone you love: Piece of cake...
These are the people I love most in my life. My family. We look kind of "church-y" here... lol.
This was fun going through all my old photos. Embarrassing also. My husband got the privilege of seeing some photos he'd never seen of me before. I may have liked to keep it that way, but now at least I feel as if all my secrets are out. I have nothing to hide.
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