Thursday, April 30, 2009

And the winner is...

Chrissy over at The Myers Family for this giveaway.

Thank you everyone for participating! As a thank you, I'd like to send each of you your choice in a Scentsy Car Candle. Please email me prior to 10:00PM MST with what scent you choose. Go here to see our 80 different choices in wonderful fragrances. You may comment here as well. My email is Gowickless09 at gmail dot com.

The giveaway may be over, but don't hesitate to place your order for a Deluxe Scentsy Warmer today! See my website here

Be sure to stay tuned for more giveaways also!

Thank you!
Simply Nikki

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

You have everything I ever wanted

That's what my mom said to me when she left Easter weekend.

Really? You wanted to be $20,000 in debt before age 25? Have 3 kids all under 3 by age 25? Barely pay rent, own nothing, and never see your husband? Have no car, be stuck in the house 7 days a week? Live in a state where very little of your family lives? Be over weight, but get so depressed you don't do anything about it? Be served papers for the debt you owe. Have a vehicle repossessed because it hasn't been paid on in 2 years? Have your husband laid off, no job for 6 months, on welfare & government health care, and not a penny to your name? IS THIS REALLY EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED?

Because I think you had most of this most of your life, but gave it up. Aren't you lucky?

You think you want everything I have, because I don't focus on the bad. I try to fix it, not far yet, but am hopeful that I can eventually. Just made some crappy decisions at the start. I put on a happy face, and try to take care of my kids. I try not to whine, and though I don't always accomplish that I try.

The road to rainbows and glitter

I don't think I was ever promised any rainbows or glitter in this lifetime. Not sure where I get the idea that I even deserve it. I guess I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Also, not sure what I should believe in. Are we dealt band hands, is Karma playing a role, and if so, why is mine so unfortunate?

I was dealt a mother who's brain stopped maturing at age 12. A father who had no clue (emotionally) that he had a daughter until she turned 23, got married, and had kids. I do not have a terrible life by any means at all what-so-ever. I'm fortunate, I'm blessed, and most of all I am loved. When I tell people a little about my upbringing typically the first thing they say is "wow, and you turned out so normal". The first response I give it "well, through it all I always knew I was loved & wanted". So, in raising my children it's something I make sure to pass on. I constantly tell my kids how much they mean to me, and how much I love them. I may be harsh sometimes, I'm not always the nice-guy, and sometimes I don't pay enough attention to them. However, I always tell them they are my world. Knowing actions speak louder than words I give multitudes of hugs & kisses, I read to them, I look at them when they need me too, and I am sure to always set aside time for just them. I am hoping that this overrides any of the mistakes I may make during their life, and there will be lots.

Some of my mother's were putting herself first with her boyfriends, not her children. Never knowing where we'd live, what school I'd go to, and never getting custody of my half-sister because her dad fought for her. (Mine didn't.) These things made my childhood unstable, and anxiety stricken. Drugs, fights, and unstable moods were some more. Raising my little sister when we did have her, and never knowing what would be in our future at age 12 made me grow up a little faster than I should have. But I need to give credit where credit is due. My mom made sure to teach my sister and I to cook, clean, balance a check book, pay bills, put on tasteful make-up, and be crafty also. I have memories of baking cookies, making lunch, duck parks, holidays with family, and making all kinds of fun crafts with her. We were never denied pets. We wanted a kitty we got one. A dog? Sure lets get 2. Bunnies, rats, lizards, etc... Unfortunately, I think that was because my mom was just as much a kid as we were. I remember her helping me dress for my first school dance (I looked ridiculous, but it's the thought that counted), teaching me how to dance, all 3 of us dancing to Patsy Cline in the living room. I remember getting to tag along when she had her newspaper route, and singing Wild Angels at the top of our lungs together at 4 o'clock in then morning. Sadly, as much as those times stick in my head, the rough times just cut a deeper notch in my life branch. At age 13 my world changed forever with my mother.

Her and I were best friends... until 1996. She lost everything then. We were loving in the cottage of my grandparents house. Her and her 3rd husband (or was it 4th?) had been separated after being evicted from the only like-house we lived in. Apparently cocaine was a much better deal than rent at the time. My mom has never worked. Sporadically here and there, but never long. My grandparents, I'm guessing, were fed up with it. I was in the last part of 8th grade. About to start high school. Middle school was the first time I stayed at the same school ever. So, I had friends I now had known for at least 3 years (5th-8th). A first for me, being that I went to 10 different schools before 5th grade. My mom was kicked out, and we were going to stick together and be homeless basically, but together. About a week before this was going to happen, the reality of living in a tent, and having to go to school without showering hit me. As much as I loved my mom I couldn't be homeless. As much as I had a non-existent relationship with my father, and though he only had a 2 bedroom apartment with 4 people already, it was a roof with a shower. I broke the news to her, and to no surprise to me she was angry at me. 13 and she was angry with me for not wanting to rough it with her. "But I thought we were going to stick together through this?" I will never forget those blaming words. Like I deserted her. Like I was the one that wasn't there to provide for her emotional needs, when she couldn't even provide for my physical needs. I didn't ask for her to provide much for me, and hell I could say I didn't ask for her to have me either. I hated the times she made me wish she hadn't. My sister and I weren't ever the dream she wished we were. The kids, the husband, the house on the hill with the white picket fence. Honestly, she had us because she thought she could give us what her mother never gave her. Love. She did her best, or I like to think. What she gave us in love she lacked in stability and security though.

She didn't speak to me for almost a year after I had abandoned her. At times I wondered if she were lying dead somewhere. (And as my life progresses, unfortunately, it's not a worry I have been released of.) I didn't even know where she was. My first day of high school was without my mother. My caregiver (or supposedly) of 13 years, and she wasn't there. She wasn't there for my first kiss, first boyfriend, first prom, first anything. I think she eventually came around about the time I graduated. She was back at my grandparents by then.

This post could go one for days. I tried therapy to try and figure stuff out, but I'm level headed, and the therapist just agreed with me the entire time. I "turned out" okay. I wish I had turned out better than okay, but okay is better than how she turned out. There is nothing to figure out. It's just how it is. Occasionally I have a tinge of hope she'll change, but little by little I have learned better. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Luckily I have people in my life that fulfill a mother role as much as possible, and for that I am blessed with many rainbows and glitter! There just is always going to be that part of me that wished I had a relationship with my mom. It will always hurt that I don't. I just fear that as much as she tried to be different than her mother, I will try to be different than mine, and I will fail like she did. I'll never really know how horrible her childhood was, I know what mine was like, but I often believe she turned out worse. Not sure her mother ever told her she wasn't ready to be a grandma yet, like she did when I had my first children. That is a broken heart that will never mend. As crappy as she was to me sometimes, I never once doubted she'd be the one there when I had my first baby (in my case, babies). So, when she left without saying goodbye, when I heard from her dad (my grandpa) instead of her that she was leaving town, and from my sister that she had said "I am sick of hearing about the babies, and I don't want to be a grandma" I will NEVER forgive her. Nothing she had done up until that point had hurt me like that did. She could be mad at me for not being homeless with her, and wanting to live with my dad, but you will not hurt my children.

This post has become much longer than I intended. Needless to say, my biggest fear as a mother is becoming like mine. I know we all say we don't want to be like our parents, but in my case I feel it a little bit stronger.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Scentsy Wickless Candle Giveaway!

Scentsy Wickless Candles Giveaway

Unique Scentsy Warmers use a 25-watt bulb to melt wax slowly, maximizing the fragrance time of the Scentsy Bar or Scentsy Brick. No flame, soot, or wick; making it a safe way to enjoy more than 80 Scentsy fragrances.

You notice something different about Scentsy the first time you smell it - it's simple! An elegant ceramic warmer, a highly fragrant scent bar, and with a simple flick of the switch, your room is filled with one of Scentsy's unique fragrances.

Check out my website!

I am hosting my own Scentsy Giveaway! Here's how to win your choice of product packs in a Scentsy Giveaway Pack! Packs consist of your choice of fragrances in 6 Scentsy Car Candles ($15 value) or 2 Car Candles & 1 Room Spray ($14 value) or 1 Scentsy Plug in Warmer & 1 Scentsy Bar ($20 value!)

-Go HERE and browse our online products. Tell me which Scentsy Warmer you'd order for your home. Tell me which one in the comments on this entry.

- Follow me on Twitter & Twitter about the giveaway for an extra entry. (If you already follow me, just twitter about the giveaway) Be sure to tell me you've followed me in the comments, and so I can follow you back!

- Post about it in your blog, and leave a comment with a link to your blog post for an extra entry.

-Receive 3 extra entries for placing a Scentsy order now, Hosting a Scent Event, and/or becoming a Scentsy Consultant! (You'll get even more free stuff by becoming a consultant and/or hosting an event!)

Giveaway ends Friday April 30th. Get your Mother's Day orders in by Friday for guaranteed delivery! Great Mother's Day gift, and great way to get extra entries in giveaway!

PLEASE be sure to leave your email address, so I can contact you if you win. Winner will be announced by 7pm on Friday, April 30th 2009.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I hate being alone

I love my alone time, but my entire life I have been surrounded by a large family. Siblings, parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc... We were always with family on vacations, holidays, birthdays, summers, weekends, whenever.

Ever since moving to Arizona where I have exactly 2 family members in the Phoenix area I have been lonely. Now I have my husband and kids and still no family to have them be with. I want to move. Closer to more family. Which inevitably would be Tennessee, because that is were the greatest quantity of family members reside. 90% of my dad's side lives there, and Tim's grandma (maternal) and aunt live there.

My only dilemma is that I can't bear to leave the 2 family members I have here. My aunt, who is actually my great aunt, is like a mother to me, and grandmother to my kids. I would be incredibly sad to leave her and lose that closeness. Incredibly.

I hate it here though. I really do. I want all my family in one spot.

A Giveaway from The Benner Daily!

Because I really want one of these camera straps, I'm entering another contest to win one!

Shealynn makes adorable camera straps, go check them out here

Enter her give away to win one here

Fingers crossed that I win!!!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

11 O'Clock and I'm in tears

I'm in tears reading about Maddie. I never knew her, and never will know her. I don't know her parents, and yet I am just beside myself with their story. And how on Earth that beautiful little girl was taken away from her loving parents way before her time? Not a day has gone by since I heard about her passing that I don't stop to think about her, or read a little bit more about her short life. It just brings me to tears.

I will never understand why this kind of pain happens. I will never understand why children are hurt or die.

My daughter was born premature, my pregnancy was high-risk, and I was advised that my daughter may not make it through the pregnancy. Though I find it hard to believe in a God that would take away a wonderful, beautiful child such as Maddie from her loving parents, I thank Him everyday for the gift that is my daughter. She was born small, but with no health problems, and I am thankful. Everyday. I am also thankful for my handsome twin boys of course, as they were a high-risk pregnancy also.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I have a husband, I swear.

My husband as of last Monday became a business owner. He opened up a retail store on the west side of town. He has been MIA since. I think he still exists, but I have yet to see proof. He's gone ALL THE TIME. I miss him, and I miss my brain. I've lost my mind, and it must be with the hubby.

He is always out doing things for the store, and soon (once the doors open) he will be AT the store. I use to complain that he was never home when he worked a 9-5, but worked over-time. He was always home for dinner, and bed-time routine, and every weekend. His over-time was 30 minutes here, maybe an hour every once in awhile. I'm looking toward a future of no dinner with the hubby for the next year unless I eat at 9pm. Putting the kids to bed by myself, every single night. Having to explain to them that daddy is at work, and that is why he can't tuck you in, read you a story, or give ni-night kisses. It breaks my heart. It also drives me insane, because he was my helping hand at dinner time, brushing teeth, reading bedtime stories, and tuck ins. He kept them out of my hair while dinner was being finished up, or I was doing dishes. He's my partner, and I desperately miss him, and it's not even bad yet. He will be gone every night soon. The only day we get is Sunday. And I expect a lot of outside errands will need to be done this day.

Instead of focusing on the fact that I will soon be a single mommy. I try to focus on how wonderful my kids are, and how fortunate I am to have a husband willing to bust his ass so that I can raise our children. How much this will make our life easier in the long haul. How amazing my husband is for reaching for his goals, and achieving them. But I'm not perfect. For moments that I need him, and he isn't here I completely forget how awesome he is, or how awesome the kids are. I curse him in my head, and want to throw things. I often whisper to myself that if I wanted to raise kids by myself I would have, but that I chose to be married with kids not alone. Then I take a deep breath and try to remember the good. But for a few moments everyday I curse my MIA husband.

I will never know how he sold me on the idea of owning our own business equaling him being home more. Having kids rots your brain.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I try to smile more every day

Why is it that everything in life is "I hate that I have to do this now, but I'm going to miss it when it's gone"? For example, every child (well most) hate taking naps when they are young. Every parents wishes they could take one, or at least do so without the quilt of whatever else isn't getting done. I put my 14 month old daughter down for a nap just now (at 4pm) and as I shut off the light, tucker her in, I remember the same feeling I use to get when my mom put me down for a nap (at a much older age of course), and at that very moment I wished I could have enjoyed it like I would now. That dimly lit room, where the last of the sun is trying ever so hard to get through the curtains, and you're sleepy, but not tired. Just turning the light off in her room gave me this feeling.

Then I started thinking about high school, and how that's the same thing. Now granted I don't ever want to go back to the awkward moments of high school. Like where I thought color changing shoes were cool... no. However, knowing what I know now I'd love to be given the opportunity to appreciate it as much as I do now. The value education holds, and how far I could have gone if I had only realized this sooner. How much I'd love to learn about the history of the world, just to feel smarter. Regardless that I stay home with my kids everyday, I want to be smarter. Lucky me I can learn whatever I want, but I don't get much time since I'm wrapped up in trying to take that nap I mentioned above.

What else in life is like this? College, your first car, what you do with your savings money, credit cards, etc... A lot having to do with financial planning, but that's me personally. There's plenty of people that made much better choices than I did. The nap thing is something that everyone took for granted as a kid.

Then I wonder, since I realize this now will I learn from it? Will I appreciate things that I typically wouldn't appreciate. I can try. Mostly likely I won't, because you never notice how great something (even small things) is until it's gone. Songs & stories that tell us not to left things unsaid, or not to forget to do the things you want before life ends get to me, and I try to live life like that everyday. Most days I don't though, I'll be honest. I get caught up in the "future" not the here & now. My 14 month old daughter is 14 months already. I already am forgetting what it was like when she was a newborn. It went by so fast. The twins will be going into preschool this fall, and I'm so excited I can't wait. Next thing I know they'll be in the 5th grade, and I'll be left there with packed lunches wondering what the hell happened.

I'll end with this: live in the moment, enjoy your kids, spouse, parents, and siblings. Try not to stress too much about your future, and smile a little more often. I'm going to go spend some time with my kids instead of yelling at them to leave me alone before I lose my train of thought. Haha - Live Laugh Love.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Because friends should grow on trees in my backyard

First of all I ALWAYS spell dilemma wrong, thank God for spell check. I don't know why, I just always mix up the i and the e. Back on track...

This isn't really about best friends or any issues with best friends or any friends at all. Really I'm looking to express my feelings on friends. They are a lot of work, but like all relationships totally worth it in the end. Granted it's a healthy relationship. My kids are a lot of work, well no... bad analogy. I'd boot my kids if I could too probably... JUST JOKING. I swear I wouldn't.

So, I often talk about how I wish life were like it is in the movies. It's the only part of me that is crazy and unrealistic, but in reality it's far from who I am typically. I allow this one fantasy, because I'm pretty level headed the rest of the time. So, in addition to wanting to be the cool mom where all her kid's friends hang out, I also want to have the house where all my girlfriends gather. I long to have such good girlfriends that they don't knock when they come in. They just do. They don't call, or have to schedule "meet ups" eight weeks in advance (I seriously have a girlfriend I'm suppose to hang out with on the 19th... and this was planned weeks ago... who the hell knows what they will be doing 2 months in advance?!), nope, just stop by on a regular basis. Watch tv together, cook together, have date nights together, family outings and vacations together, you know movie stuff. Or am I completely out of the loop, and everyone does have this, but me? My aunt in TN has friends like this. Every time I call her she's got someone over. She has family over for dinner, and friends.

See then there is a part of me that is so super glad I have only a few friends, and none that live within a 45 mile radius from me. I'm lazy (read title). Having friends is work. You have to hang out with them to reassure them that you like them. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, so if they don't contact me chances are we will lose contact. It's not always this way, just usually during the first stage of friendship. If it surpasses that new stage then it's all good. I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away we won't talk for weeks sometimes even months, and then all of a sudden one of us calls the other and it's like we never missed a beat. Her & I are one in the same... she should live next door to me. I don't know how to meet my neighbors, and most of them are 80 and up. But I'm just like every other girl. I need girlfriends. I love catching up, hanging out, shopping, just someone to talk to that is female. My sister lives far away, I'm not close to my mom, and my cousin who was going to move here is now not. I live in what I call a deserted island of Central Phoenix. Everyone else either lives west side or east side. Then I wonder if all the new friends I meet don't keep in contact because they don't like me. I often wonder if I'm hard to get along with. I personally don't think so, but don't we all say that? I know for sure I don't mean to be if I am. I try to please everyone, and I'm genuinely nice. I do things when I can, help when I can, offer a hand, etc...

When you meet someone for the first time, let's say at a mommy group, do you call them later? Is there a 3 day rule? LOL jk. I met some nice girls at a mommy group, but now my schedule doesn't allow for me to go to any meet ups. Most women already have their friends. Oh and fitting in with their friends once you are friends is a whole new one too. All this stuff is complicated. At the end of the day I'm thankful for my family, tell myself I don't need anymore friends, and be on my way. Deep down I'm lying. I want friends. I want friends that live close, will come to my house, and do things with my family. I love to host get togethers, but for some reason I always fail miserably. Is there a meet new people host a get together book out there? If so, I need it. But let's start with finding friends in the first place.

My husband and I were out at the community garage sale last year, where we met Holly & her husband (can't remember his name). Hubs talked to them more than I did, as he was buying speaker boxes from them. Well, he ended up getting their number, and ended on the note we should all hang out. I think they text him once saying "let's get together this weekend". Well, it was right before Thanksgiving, right before Hubs lost his job, and our trip to bear country. Needless to say, we never hung out with them, and we haven't heard from them since.

Last month I rented a booth for Scentsy at a consignment sale, and met some new people there. Got some of their contacts, even emailed one (I think LOL!), and nothing.

I go to mommy groups constantly, never click with anyone, and like I said everyone has their friends already. I don't know what the hell the point of a mommy group is anyway. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. One of my friends (also a mommy of twins) I met through a mommy group years ago, and we have gotten very close (probably too close sometimes). For the life of me, other than she was the ONLY person to show up to a playdate I hosted, I cannot remember how we continued to be friends. Did she call/contact me? Did I contact her? Did I go to one of her playdates? I vaguely remember she invited me to her cookie party, and I brought my husband along because we set him up with her husband on a mandate... that's right. I think that is how it started. Now this girl's got lots of friends, so I was just lucky enough to be taken in. Honestly, if it weren't for her I wouldn't have any friends within a 100 mile radius (she's the one that's 45mi away).

I always say I can't wait until I turn 30. You may laugh, but so far being under 30 has sucked, because everyone I meet with kids close in age to mine are 30+. And they don't like me. When I'm 30 my kids will be only enough to have been in school for awhile, and sports or other activities, and if I don't make friends then well I'll just call it quits. I think what gets to me, is I'm very outgoing, not shy at all, and love to meet new people. I sure as hell married the wrong guy that's for sure. My husband has less friends than I do, and is 10x more lazy. I just need to start putting myself out there, and most of all keep in contact.