Weight Loss Saga Part II

Every day I wake up beginning a diet. By lunch I've lost track, gave up, and/or binged. Usually deciding to hell with it with a bowl of ice cream, yes in the middle of the afternoon. Thinking about losing weight CONSUMES me. There is not a moment in the day I'm not thinking about my weight. I think about how heavy I am, have gotten, how to lose it, today is the day, new diet, counting calories, starving myself, eating whatever the hell I want, and my favorite: I'M SO FUCKING FAT.

I use different things to motivate me, whether it's just my pants don't fit, or a special event sometime in the future. Last year it was a friend's wedding, this year it's my cousin's wedding. Then sometimes I try to tell myself it's for my kids, so I can live longer, it's just for myself, it's for my husband, it's because I want to be a hot ass skinny bitch and saw HA I CAN DO IT. Truth is, so far I can't. I'm lazy, unmotivated, and I'm fat. By doctor's I'm clinically obese (not enough to qualify for surgeical help), and my BMI is way above any kind of remotely healthy level. I have no health problems however, I'm just fat.

I tried medication, I've spoken to a doctor, I've tried Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, drugs/pills, not eating, not thinking about it, exercise, Slim Fast, MediFast, liquid detox, Hollywood diet, detox pills, never touching fast food again, no soda, lemon tea, etc! If it's not surgery, I've tried it.

I'm not a small person to begin with. I don't know that I would ever be (or want to be) smaller than a 9/10. I'd be ECSTATIC with even a 16 at this point. Size 12 would be preferable. I've set small goals, large goals, short term, long term. Nothing's work, and I can't stick with anything. I eat when I'm sick, stressed, depressed, happy, sad, angry, bored, hungry, and not hungry. I love food. I just don't want to be fat anymore, and I also don't want it to consume me every day of my life.

Edit: Oh and I totally have to add that I have literally BEGGED God to help me do this. You know, they have those "I went to Church, and prayed for help through this & lost 183lbs!" diets. I'm not trying to make a joke out of it, I literally prayed for God to help me get through the next day without shoving fatty foods in my mouth liked I'd never eat again. I think He's looking down laughing at me though, because I just get fatter.