I have spent a good majority of my life wondering "what will happen next?" as well as "how did I get here?", and not in a bad way, just in a pondering way. How life works baffles me. How one choice can decide what you're doing in the upcoming years, or how one casual decision unfolds tremendous opportunity, or sometimes tremendous disappointment.
I have continuously wondered what's this all for. I yearn to be religious, or to believe in a higher power, God, or just anything (even myself). I want to have faith that there is a reason why we are all here, and why we encounter so much pain and hurt. I try to believe it's to experience the happiness, and beauty, but sometimes I just don't get it. I want to believe I will make a difference, that I will not just die and be forgotten, but sometimes it's hard for me to find my way. I'm unsure of my "purpose", or what I'm suppose to accomplish.
Then I look at my kids, and I know. I know why I'm here, and I know what I'm doing. I see so much light, and life in their eyes it inspires me. They drive me to be a better person, to explore new things, and to believe. So, I hate when I lose sight of myself and just feel lost. I also don't want to waste my entire life wondering what the hell I should be doing instead of doing it. I'm just not sure what I'm looking for. I've written it before, and I've thought it all my life, but I have always called myself a mediocre type of person. I'm a little good at a lot of things, but not great at one. I do not fit into one stereotypical type of "people", yet I have a hard time fitting into any group at all. I find myself without friends, without motivation, without dedication. It's a kick to my ego every now and then too. I know I'm a good person, I love people, I try to be a great friend, and yet I always find myself alone. I think that is why a huge part of me always wanted to start a family so bad. A group of people that couldn't leave me. I've never said that, never even thought of it, but saying it now I think it may have been true. Is that such an awful thing? Knowing my luck my husband will leave me, and my kids will grow up and never speak to me... haha. I laugh, because I have to. I don't think that will actually happen (see "I'm a good person" above), but I just had to put it out there that it's not like I don't think that can't happen. So here I am, I have created my own group of people that love me. What's better than that? I have amazing friends, but there's always some sort of distance, whether it be physical or psychological, it's there. I've been hurt several times by the one person I'd wish not to have been hurt by, and I often blame her for the reason I keep my distance from anyone else. My mother. Doesn't all of our adult problems stem from childhood problems with our parents? Another reason I don't feel out of the ordinary, because even my problems and past are typical.
I once had a boyfriend who told himself, in his blog, that I was not unique (after breaking up with me) . Trying to convince himself that he would easily find someone better or that could at least replace me. He later told me (years after the breakup) I am unique. I just wish I knew how...
So, I'm not sure exactly why I wonder what life is all about, or what. I'm really not sure why I think half the things I think to be completely honest. I have a wondering mind. I can also play the poor-pitty-me card, and say no one understands me too, but I'll save that for another post. I guess I just like knowing there are other people out there, as normal functioning people like myself, that think similar things, because I tend to meet a lot of folks that are content in believing life is in God's hands, and I'm just not sure that satisfies me. Who is this God person anyway and why does He get to decide what happens? As I mentioned above, I want to believe, but I feel like I can't until I understand it all. If I understand, I can believe wholeheartedly, and that is what I am looking for. Apparently I need to learn the definition of faith, no?